The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #8

5 pages to finish the chapter. No problem. 2:30am to around 5am. Plenty of time. Plenty of quiet. I drank coffee earlier, but I've been drinking water all day, so I'm in the clear. Properly hydrated. I close all the windows and unplug the refrigerator.

Problems arise. The fan in the bedroom, which is cooling my sleeping girlfriend, is creating a slight sucking noise through the crack in the door. That's okay, it's a sound I can probably filter out. Constant sounds are easier to take out and it's not that noticeable.

I'm maybe 5 minutes in when our cat Tune starts meowing in the bedroom. She wants out. I open the door and it's clear she's going to give me hell unless I feed her again. I have to bribe her with some creamy half n half. I'm sure Claire knows how her supply is suspiciously light the next morning, but Tune (our cat) has me in her claws. That'll shut her up for a few minutes and then she'll do one of two things: she'll take a 30 minute nap, or her eyes will go black like a shark's and then it's all over. Crazy time.

I'm lucky tonight. She decides to go to sleep under my chair while I record. Perfect. That usually gives me an hour before she starts snoring, but I can simply reach under the chair and disturb her dream with a quick stroke of the tail.

Clipping the next page in front of me and finally making some progress! I hear a fog horn go off every 60-90 seconds, so I have to wait it out and start the sentence again. Then I can hear a car from a mile away racing down a deserted Broadway and the sound is relentless. I take a sip of Throat Coat tea and pause the recording. I play a bowling game for a couple of minutes.

I get back to recording and once again, curse the headache that is the word, "little." My mouth was not made to say that word without some kind of sticky saliva result. My tongue hates that word and it never sounds quite right. When there's 3-4 L words in the same sentence, I start to lose my mind.

Tune starts snoring. Pet the cat, move on. The fog horn is going. Wait it out, continue. Then, even worse, my tummy is rumbling and bubbling with activity. Yeah, all that stuff picks up on the mic, it's loud and a nightmare once it starts.

I look up the pronunciation of "Nambu" because I've never owned a gun, let alone an 8mm Japanese firearm. Nam-boo, should've known.

Huh. Tune's tail is still swishing like normal while she sleeps.

My mouth is getting tired. I feel my voice straining. Clear throat. Check-one-two, check. Frog in my throat. Damn it. Son of a bitch, I'm so close. Just a page and a half left. Clear throat. Mouth is too dry. Sip.

Fog horn. Car. Cat snores. Tummy bubbling. Outside sprinkler. Drunk teenagers.

I'm sweating- it's so hot in this little space. I can feel myself speed-reading because I just want to end this session. Slow it down Marty. TELL THE STORY.

There are voice actors that are sitting in their lavish recording studio, enjoying an afternoon session with no interference from the outside world. They are well rested and enjoy getting lost in a sea of rich characters.

I don't have any more voices. I ran out on the first book. My voice is getting dangerously close to scratchy. Just a paragraph left- a long one. These run-on sentences are so hard not to rush through when I just want to finish!

Ok, that'll do it.

I nominate Mirron Willis for his Ace Ventura-like reading of Devlin's Luck. Bumble-bee tuna!

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The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #7

This week I had an audiobook listener from Australia contact me for a copy of Dark Sanity. I can't wait to hear the backlash. I should've asked,

"Should I apologize now or later for my accent?"

Anyway, this should be good and brutal. Stay tuned.

Speaking of brutal, sometimes, it's not always a good idea for the author to read their own life story. Even if you're a celebrity.

Starring in The Real Housewives of New Jersey, I nominate Terese Guidice for her stunning performance of Turning The Tables. I'm sure her story is worth telling, but just try to take in anything she says. This audiobook sample is hard work.

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The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #6

Sometimes I'll listen to a chapter I recorded the night before and notice how slow I'm reading at the start. Then the pace will eventually pick up, as if I'm slowly waking up and getting excited about the situation. Then it feels I may be rushing, so I slow it down, and finally find a happy middle. It has to do with being properly caffeinated, hydrated, and my mouth warmed up, so I'm not stumbling over words at 2:30 in the morning. When my situation improves I'll be able to record during the day, but I'm still at the mercy of a lot of outside noise.

I don't want to be a boring narrator, but some people complain when narrators inflect too much emotion, so I try to keep it neutral. I fall into patterns though and it does sound boring- just tell the story Marty.

I want to. I'm working on it.

A reviewer called my Australian accent "horrible" while failing to mention it wasn't supposed to be authentic in the story anyway. Ah well. I know it sucks, but it works for the book- why don't you just pick something else that sucks? There's a ton of examples. One reviewer is a sculptor and he felt so bad about giving me a negative review he apologized,

"I'm sorry, but I had to, you told me to be honest!"

I said, "Of course, it's okay!" I need to improve and I want people to point out my shortcomings. I hope my performance didn't ruin his art project. 

This week's nominee may lull you to sleep. One reviewer complained, "Do not take Nyquil before narrating a book!"

He's not kidding. I listen to a podcast called "Sleep With Me" because the host's voice has an effect on me that helps me gradually pass out, but THIS narrator almost knocked me out in a minute. Have a listen and see if you can hang on to your consciousness.

I nominate Ray Chase for his soothing performance of The Compleat Enchanter: The Magical Misadventures of Harold Shea" Sweet dreams!

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The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #5

Incredible. After a month of this I thought I had hit a dead-end already, but lo and behold, I found another competitor, and this one is glorious.

I had a fantastic night of recording last night. Clipping my script above the microphone has taken so much weight off, I can finally perform and not worry about ruffling papers, or reading off my IPhone. A beginner's tip is to keep your head tilted up and I was looking down quite a bit through the first book. Mouth sounds are becoming less of an issue.  It's going to be an uneven chapter; the first half I sound strained and bored, when suddenly, I'm really performing- like the spinach just kicked in. (toot-toot!)

I've read a lot of complaints on audiobook forums where narrators are putting emphasis on the wrong words and taking unnecessary pauses. Another common complaint is a narrator sounding too robotic. With that said, you're going to love this week's performance. I can't believe this is real. I can't believe this is real. This reading would confuse William Shatner. It is very plausible that they hired a robot from the 50's to narrate this book.

I nominate Trevor Clinger for his performance of A Forbidden Lover: BWWM.  An interracial sex story that runs 22 minutes.  This sample runs a minute and a half.  Good luck.

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The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #4

I just got my first one-star review. It was going to happen sooner or later, but I'm taking it better than I expected. Plus it gave me an easy excuse to write another installment.

Maybe it's because I've bombed so much on stage that I'm sort of numb to any kind of negative feedback. Plus the listener was just honest and addressed some valid points:

"Martin Wurst's narration felt he was simply reading the words on a page rather than telling a story, lacking hesitation, modulation emphasisation until i felt he had got the story and it improved towards the end, (very like listening to Apples Siri when it reads out messages) "

Audible asked if he would be willing to try another performance by Martin Wurst.  

"No."

I really can't get mad at this. As an amateur, I would often struggle to get through a sentence, instead of really telling the story. Sometimes I would speed through because I would be essentially holding my breath, instead of pausing and taking my time. I could make a list of excuses, but that doesn't change the fact that this guy saw my performance as crap. He loved the story though, (5 stars)  and I almost completely ruined the experience for him. That sucks. I'm glad he wrote the negative review, because just like when I bomb on stage, it lights a fire in me. You have to work harder, Wurst! I can correct this.

This week's nominee goes to Jane Boyer for her performance of Night Hawk. Jane received a similar criticism on her delivery,

"The woman narrating sounds like she is overdosing on valium."

I suppose Jane and I can battle it out when they're looking to replace the Siri voice!

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The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #3

You can't fake accents. Well, that's not entirely true. I did. A lot of people do. Serious actors will train themselves with enough research, coaches, or audio lessons. Maybe even a trip overseas.  I watched a lot of movies. In the end, my accent was inconsistent, occasionally wandering towards other regions, and becoming a copy of a copy of another guy's impression of Michael Caine.

I did an Aussie accent for "Dark Sanity." I did my best, but it wasn't great. I was watching Australian movies, listening to some of their local radio personalities, YouTube videos, and it helped a lot. Still, you can't nail something like that in a week. A lot of my performance was embarrassing. 

Then I caught a break. I was only reading a couple chapters ahead at a time, so I found out that the "Australian" character was actually a traitor, and FAKING THE ACCENT! Phew, what a break! I could imagine my listening audience's compliments of, "OH, that's why his accent was kind of crappy, he really sold it! Had me fooled, I thought it was just a shitty narrator!"

Like an idiot, I didn't read the entire book up front, so I was surprised with another character in the 3rd act, this time a French woman!  The author let me off the hook and I read it normally...with a hint of stereotype.

Maybe I should read the entire book up front from now on. I just wanted to be surprised as I made progress, but I guess that's just the excuse of an amateur being lazy.

I haven't learned my lesson yet. I'm doing an awful Southern accent in the next book.  Sometimes I underplay it and other times it feels way over the top. It's as if I'm screaming to the audience for validation, "HEY, DOES THIS SOUND BETTER?"  "HOW ABOUT THIS?"

How about neither! Just stop doing accents.

For the record, I'm not asking for any money up front. It takes me about 6 months to complete one of these books. I also auditioned for these roles, so the authors could've dumped me. They recognized my strengths and forgave my weaknesses. Maybe the author just wants their work out there, because not enough talented people are auditioning, so they're stuck with Marty Wurst!   

MAKE IT SO...ACCENT BE DAMNED! It's just unfortunate that occasionally, a really bad accent will slip through the cracks.

This week's nominee goes to Lynne M. Smelser for her English accent in "The Diary of Lillie Langtry"

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The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #2

Trashy romance is still a huge industry.  Remember those glorious book covers?  The ones with the long-haired, swashbuckling, stud-pirates holding a scantily-clad and chesty damsel, with her hair always huge and perfect.  I loved that art.  As a kid, I almost felt guilty looking at those covers.  I’d flip through the pages to see where the first love scene started.  Usually around page 98.

Nowadays, the covers are sort of a quick hack-and-paste job.  Get a model, get him to take his shirt off, BAM–there’s your cover.  Photoshop it, so he looks like a vampire with a six-pack–PERFECT!

There’s plenty of romance titles in the audiobook world, but there’s just as much EROTICA.  Early on, I auditioned for a softcore title called “Dr. Sessions,” the sex therapist of San Francisco. I didn’t get it.  I figured those books probably sell more than the other things I was auditioning for, but that’s not entirely true.  Those books have to deliver, too.  They have to be sexy.  Even if they’re written badly, I bet the right actor or actress with the right amount of sensuality could make you forget the cringe-worthy dialogue.  I bet there are a lot of erotica fans who find that one actor or actress and then buy all their books!  A voice and the imagination can be a powerful thing.

So I want you to look at the cover of this book.  Then close your eyes.  Imagine what this handsome man would sound like.  When you think you have that voice in your head…go ahead and press play.

Casting is everything. 

This week’s nomination goes to Roy Wells, for his performance of “Big Man on Campus: Fresh Gay Erotica”

WARNING: There are NO graphic descriptions of sex in this audio sample, so don’t worry.  However, there are poetic mentions of genitalia.  I can’t guarantee you won’t find this offensive, but it made my girlfriend and I laugh out loud, so I think this is a worthy entry.

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The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #1

The first nomination goes to Aaron Harrison for “Don’t Fear The Reaper: The Death Chronicles - Book 1” (YA Fantasy) mostly because I want to stress that I LOVE this sample.  It made me laugh…HARD.  I had to share it with other friends and it gave me the idea for this series.  Aaron seems like a joyous person, and I have to give him points for sheer enthusiasm.  There are narrators that are truly unlistenable, but I will go on record and admit I’ve been considering a purchase.  I’ve listened to this sample ten times.  His performance might be entirely appropriate for this kind of book.  One Audible reviewer described him as “an over-enthusiastic high school drama student” One thing’s for sure…Aaron doesn’t reign it in.  He’s young. He’s busy.  He doesn’t have time to pace himself- if he holds it in for too long he might buh-buh-BURST! Sadly, this is Aaron’s only audiobook.  So purchase it, if you like what you hear.  Just keep the volume down. On to the sample!

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