Best Open Mics of 2016

Hey, I'm Marty Wurst and I review open mics on my Instagram. Comedy seems to come second.

It's fun to tell my family where I go to open mics.

I get to say I do comedy in gay bars, sports bars, dive bars, rock bars, at the Scientology Celebrity Center, in front of a green screen, at a bagel shop, Chinese restaurants, book stores, art galleries, backyards, record stores, wine bars, a comic book shop, a wine cellar, a grocery store, a bowling alley, a garage IN AN ALLEY, hotels, outside a hot dog joint, inside a hot dog joint, a thrift store, a barbershop, some pizzerias, in a number of coffee shops, comedy clubs, and black box theaters...on a boat, in a cheese shop, and at an AA meeting. Just think about how crazy that sounds. I can't wait to see where I end up this year.

Laundromat, butchershop, nursing home? 101 Freeway mic. Sex shop mic has to happen. How about a D-list celebrity's home? Hang on to the side of a plane on takeoff like Tom Cruise and everyone in the plane can hear you do comedy! Tasty riffs about dying, comedians love that shit!

There were 50 new mics that popped up this year, but I think I made a pretty good dent. ONWARDS!

WINNERS OF 2016

Alright, let me just say up front, I didn't know how to consistently separate these mics into the appropriate categories, whether to include mics that had folded, or write out every single mic into every category- it was too much to wrap my head around. Plus I screwed up a question where you couldn't write in your own answer- the "Best Bucket" mic was limited to 4 answers only, so I apologize.  I corrected it, but it probably cost certain mics the winning votes...I'm a dick.

SEE?

This is just for fun. We all have our favorite mics and we're loyal to them. I just thought it'd be cool to show you what mics are out there and maybe you'll consider checking one out some day. Or maybe you'll snub me next time you see me.

"Hey asshole, saw the results. Thanks for leaving my mic off the list ya DOUCHEWURST!"

I hit a lot of these mics only ONCE, so YOUR VOTES will also help me decide whether I should return.

I really want to give all the solid open mics props, I really do. Anyway, I won't muck it up next time. If it makes you feel better, The Joke Gym never gets props.

ON TO THE WINNERS!

BEST FEEDBACK MIC

Comedian's Choice    Flappers Burbank

Open Mic Reviews     Fanatic Salon

No pictures in this category, sorry!

BEST BUCKET MIC

Comedian's Choice     "Mouthypants" at The Other Door

Open Mic Reviews       Grounded Cafe

Honorable Mentions    BAPS Hollywood Hotel mic TIED with Sabor y Cultura   

BUCKET TIME!  "Mouthypants" at The Other Door was like the CHEERS of open mics. Meeting with friends, getting drunk, and doing comedy. Kym Kral and Whitney Melton are the biggest sweethearts and made everyone feel welcome. Now the torch has been passed on to Kevin Anderson and Vanessa Gritton, who keep that love going every TUES. Email killermicotherdoor@gmail.com by Monday at 5 PM. 20 names will be chosen at random. Join Killer Mic on Facebook Sign-up for 20 lottery spots starts at 8pm at the show. 10437 Burbank Blvd, North Hollywood.

And now...it's time for a very special presentation of

THE JARED LEVIN AWARDS!

Jared Levin is a comedian in Los Angeles. He's humped over a thousand stools on various stages across the mid-west. You may know Jared as the comic who cleverly uses the mic stand as a semi-automatic weapon, his way of paying tribute to Jeff Carrisalez. That makes him over-qualified to give out awards.

BEST OPEN MIC FOR DEPLORABLE BEHAVIOR

Comedian's Choice     Marty's

Open Mic Reviews      Blacklight District Lounge (trust me)

Honorable Mention    Liquid Zoo

The Blacklight District Lounge in Long Beach is what comic hell is like. I can't recommend it, because you'll hear the darkest, most fucked up depressing shit. I feel like rape jokes were born here. You'll hear N-bombs and misogyny and no one will laugh. All your jokes will get the same reaction. NOTHING. Every once in awhile, a comic may chuckle, but it'll shake you! You do get a nice chunk of time (10-15 minutes) and the hosts are always friendly, but it's a sad place. Bar Rescue couldn't even rescue this place- Blacklight District Lounge rejected them! They said,

"No thanks! We're happy wallowing in shit, now get THE FUCK OUT!"

If you're a glutton for punishment like I am, come on through!

BEST MIC TO DO YOUR FIRST SET

Comedian's Choice     Tribal

Open Mic Reviews      Marty's

Honorable Mentions   Sal's Comedy Hole, Rockpaper Coffee

Marty's at 7351 Sunset Blvd (entrance on Martel) This is home base for a lot of comics. For good reason. You can do 10-30 minutes between two rooms. Hang out, shoot the shit, have some coffee, order pizza, charge your phone, etc. You might not have an audience. Sometimes you do. Some comics may suggest tags for your bits- they get into it here- finding the funny. It can be lively. People return after years of being away.

It was good for my first mic because I knew in advance that it would be a low pressure environment. Lose my virginity quick and get it over with- done. It wasn't pretty, but I did my first set. Marty is supportive. This is a convenient location for a lot of comics and it's open every day! MON-FRI 5-11pm and SAT-SUN 7-11pm. $5 includes coffee and plenty of stage time.

Just don't bring your girlfriend here, that'll prompt Marty to tell his string of rape/incest jokes.

BEST CHINESE RESTAURANT OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice   The Palace

Open Mic Reviews    The Palace   

Joe Kardon hosts at The Palace Restaurant in Los Feliz. On some nights, this room can feel as tough as The Comedy Store. A lot of great comics have done their time here. I've always loved Joe's intros. TUES The mic is after the booked show, which starts around 9:50pm. Lottery. 4 minutes.

BEST MIC THAT FOLDED TOO SOON

Comedian's Choice      Days Inn

Open Mic Reviews       Los Globos

Honorable Mentions    Blackbull Chophouse

Nikki Black and Ellie McElvain were behind the Los Globos mic. It started great and they maintained a fun atmosphere in an intimate room. Plus they found a bag of coke on the stage that some band had left from the night before.

BEST B-LINE PAST THE COMEDIAN TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

Comedian's Choice     Karma Lounge (beads!!)

Open Mic Reviews      Scallywags

"Plan B" open mic at Scallywags barbershop. A great all-comic mic in Fullerton that had the unique sheet metal backdrop/bathroom door directly behind the performer. There's no way you could ignore it and I especially loved when a comic would end their set, then immediately turn around to go to the bathroom. R.I.P. Scallywags!

LOUDEST OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    Big Wang's

Honorable Mention   Wine Bar (Long Beach)

Open Mic Reviews     Dog Haus

Honorable Mention   Wine Bar (Long Beach)

Alex Duong hosting at Big Wangs in Hollywood. Sure it may be one of the loudest, but Alex said it right, "This is where you get good. If you can be funny here, you can do any room."  He hosts "The Best of 3rd Worlds Comedy" with Haiti every MON and they're a riot. Sign up at 10pm, starts at 11. 1-item minimum. 5 minutes.

BEST SAFE SPACE MIC

Comedian's Choice       Tao Comedy Studio

Open Mic Reviews        Tao Comedy Studio

Honorable Mentions     Irvine Improv, The Clown House

Bobby Oliver (not pictured here) runs The Tao Comedy Studio on Beverly Blvd. No malicious content here. As she puts it, "Take your rape jokes to Marty's because I'm too old for this shit!" Supportive and fun. MON at 8pm (women only) and FRI at 8pm. $5 which includes a drink. 5 minutes.

I also got a voicemail from a great comic/friend, Jeanne Whitney. Here's her take on safe space mics.

And now...another installment of the JARED LEVIN AWARDS!

BEST DIVE BAR MIC

Comedian's Choice      Liquid Zoo

Honorable Mentions    Lexington, M-Bar

Open Mic Reviews       M-Bar

Honorable Mentions    Lexington, The Blvd

The M Bar in East LA. This is definitely one of those hidden gems in the open mic scene. Steven Moreno and Tony Alfieri host. Great underground vibe, like you're hanging out in somebody's basement. Sometimes Steven brings churros. Hit it up on SUN Sign up 8:30pm, starts at 9. A 1-item minimum gets you 7 minutes!

BEST NEW OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    Cask & Hammer, Arlyn Pillay Gallery TIED for 2nd with Scientology Celebrity Center (haha) and Molly Bloom's

Honorable Mention   Delicious Vinyl TIED with Meea's Hot Dogs

Open Mic Reviews     Free Wifi, Meea's Hot Dogs, The Whisperer

Honorable Mention   The Blvd

Free Wifi at The Union House, Downtown LA. Come on, that's a great set-up! Really impressed by this mic; first outdoor night mic I've been to that's really lit well. It's a fun stage and they're energetic hosts: Jessica Dyer, Robbie Bruens, Phillip Maxwell Binder, and Tara McGorry. TUES starts at 8pm, but you can sign up as late as 10! Rolling lottery. $1 for 5 minutes or 3 minutes for free. A bargain!

BEST HECKLERS

Comedian's Choice    Liquid Zoo

Honorable Mention   Anchor Bar

Open Mic Reviews     Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention   The Cork Lounge

Ryan Talmo (The Valley Jesus) hosts at the Liquid Zoo in Van Nuys. Alas, the WED mic with Ron Swallow is no more, but you can still get your heckle fix on Sundays with Talmo. I don't know much from experience, but I recall countless posts online about crazy shit that went down at the Zoo. It's a great dive bar and for a 1-item minimum you get 7 minutes. Sign up on SUN at 8:30pm.

BEST OPEN MIC WITHIN A 2-BLOCK RADIUS

Comedian's Choice    Venice Grind

Open Mic Reviews     Venice Grind

Venice Grind is an impressive mic run by Shannon O' Donnell. It has great atmosphere, feels more like a show, and Shannon is constantly running around to make sure things are going smoothly. Nice to have a host that's an ace with sound too. Great mixed mic option! Sign up Sunday at 5pm, starts at 6. Lottery. 3-5 minutes.

BEST OPEN MIC THAT ENDED IN 2016

Comedian's Choice    Echoes Under Sunset, Scallywags, "Mouthypants" at The Other Door

Honorable Mention   Main St. Bar and Cabaret

Open Mic Reviews     Murder Room, Main St. Bar and Cabaret, Echoes Under Sunset

Honorable Mention    Days Inn

Echoes Under Sunset in Echo Park. Lot of great memories for a lot of comics. Another home base. Fantastic space. Christian and Jasmine Chavez were so generous and always friendly. A countless number of shows were produced here. I got to bring Maria Bamford on this stage. It was such a good training ground for new comics, you could volunteer to host. Great hang. Could be a really tough room at times. There were a lot of young guys on stage venting about their worthless lives, but I met some of my favorite people here. Anyone who misses it should go through Christian's amazing album on Facebook-dive into a giant tasty bowl of seasoned chips and go through the memories.

BEST MIXED MIC

Comedian's Choice    Tribal Cafe

Honorable Mention   Venice Grind

Open Mic Reviews     Slip Bar and Eatery

Honorable Mention    The Lost Bean

Tribal Cafe in Echo Park! Random hosts, or no host at all, but you can reliably get some time MON-THURS or on SUN. They all start at 6pm. $4 purchase minimum, but the food is grubbin! Another great choice for a first mic; it's low pressure, you will learn to deal with the occasional blender, and you can always ask if they need a host. Get some experience in!

BEST DIY MIC

Comedian's Choice    Garage Behind Food 4 Less

Honorable Mention   Workout Room in Hollywood

Open Mic Reviews     Meea's Hot Dogs

Honorable Mention    Holy Grounds and Coffee (love that stage!)

The Garage Behind Food 4 Less in Los Angeles. This is Victor Martinez Jr's creation and it's fucking dope. Longer sets, snacks, beer, you can park right in the alley, and get some decent time. If piss-smelling, trash covered alleys isn't your thing, well you're probably free of STDs, but I dig it!

1717 S Western Ave. SAT starts at 10:30pm First, come, first served. 7-8 minutes.

This shit ain't over...another winner takes it all in the JARED LEVIN AWARDS!

BEST MIC TO GET BAKED

Comedian's Choice    Garage Behind Food 4 Less

Honorable Mention    Sunday BOMB Open Mic Brunch

Open Mic Reviews     Boat Mic

Honorable Mention   Rafa's Lounge

If you ever see Boat Mic pop up on The Comedy Bureau again, find a way to get on it! Tim Spencer is a gracious host and puttering around Marina del Rey is a wonderful way to spend a night. Can't imagine a better place getting high either...you're one with nature broooooo.

BEST COFFEE SHOP MIC

Comedian's Choice      Sabor y Cultura

Honorable Mentions    The Library, Solar de Cahuenga 

Open Mic Reviews       Grounded Cafe

Honorable Mentions    Coffee+Food, The Library

Sabor y Cultura mic with The Martin Duprass. They were kick ass hosts that kept it energetic and fun. They gave out prizes, used clappers, and made you feel okay about waiting around for a couple hours. Anyway, they just recently passed the torch over to Bryan Vokey and Christian Pieper- very funny guys.  Sabor has a great menu, plenty of space and there's people all over the place, which makes it kind of fun. Like two sets of audiences to play to. FRI Sign up at 8pm. Lottery. 3 minutes.

BEST FOOD

Comedian's Choice    Karma Lounge

Open Mic Reviews     Karma Lounge

Honorable Mention    Tribal Cafe (over 100 items on their menu! Great grub.)

Karma Lounge makes the best sliders I've ever had. Truffle fries are outrageous too. I had these two nights ago and I forgot to take my own picture!

BEST LATE NIGHT OPTION

Comedian's Choice      Flappers Bar (Burbank)

Honorable Mention     Mel's Drive-In

Open Mic Reviews       Flappers (Claremont)

Honorable Mention      Hooters

Claremont Flappers won me over. Every time I've gone, there has been a solid audience. Flappers Yoo-Hoo room in Burbank is a great late night option too- they had a great audience, but Claremont was even better. When there are more customers in the audience than comics waiting to go up, that's saying something. It's definitely clicky here, but it's worth it for the audience. THURS Sign up at 9-9:30pm. Starts at 10. First come, first served. 3 minutes.

BEST ALL-COMIC AUDIENCE

Comedian's Choice      The Clubhouse  

Honorable Mentions     Max Bloom's TIED for 2nd with Murder Room, and Hyperion Tavern TIED for 3rd with Pig N' Whistle

Open Mic Reviews       Grounded Cafe

Honorable Mentions     Murder Room, T&L Pollo's

The Clubhouse in Los Feliz. You wouldn't know that there's a ton of great comedy going on next to Jons in an ugly strip mall. Another hidden gem for the comedy nerds. The Clubhouse has multiple rooms with a sweet MST3K mural out front. Open mic is FRI Sign up at 6pm. 6:30 start. Lottery. 3 minutes. Jace Avery and Connor McNutt host.

Who will win next in the JARED LEVIN AWARDS?

BEST CROWD

Comedian's Choice      Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention    Irvine Improv

Open Mic Reviews      Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention    Hooters

This is the best way to show you what the Anchor Bar experience is like. A picture won't capture it. Take a look at Duke Fightmaster's fantastic ongoing series and tell me you don't want to be a part of it! Even when it's really late, there's usually a few die-hard comedy fans that stick it out.

BEST MIC FOR LONGER SETS

Comedian's Choice      Paladino's (8 minutes)

Honorable Mention     M-Bar      (7-8 minutes)

Open Mic Reviews       Doll Hut   (10 minutes)

Honorable Mention     The Nectar Lounge (8 minutes)

The Doll Hut is an awesome punk bar in Anaheim.  There's just something about this room that's FUN. Joshua Waldrop hosts and produces the Red Guerrilla Funhouse show on the 2nd Wednesday of every month- the open mic follows it. Even on slow nights it's a great hang. Joshua is a great dude and will always get you up. This is my home base! 10 minute sets.

BEST MIC TO PERFORM 3 MINUTES

Comedian's Choice    The Lab at The Hollywood Improv

Honorable Mention    Comedy Store Potluck

Open Mic Reviews     Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention   Westside Comedy Theater

Ken Garr and Avery Pearson hosting at The Lab. There is definitely an energy in this room and it always feels like a privilege to perform here. Always a great mix of people in the crowd. Plus Ken and Avery are great- total professionals. There's two different mics and they're both great. You'll like being on that stage so much, it'll burn your ass if they don't draw your name, especially after 2 hours. TUE Sign up at 5:45pm or SUN Sign up at 9:30pm

BEST COMEDY CLUB OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    The Lab at The Improv

Open Mic Reviews     Comedy Store Potluck

The Comedy Store Potluck is on MON sign up at 6pm. Results are posted around 6:45 on the window. 3 minutes. I always think of it as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, "I GOT THE GOL-DEN TI-CKET!!!" It's always a long shot, but man it's pretty great when you strike it rich. Tough ass room with all that history. Nothing like it.

BEST OUTDOOR MIC

Comedian's Choice   Workout Room in Hollywood

Honorable Mention  Sunday BOMB Open Mic Brunch

Open Mic Reviews    Yardwork Mic

Honorable Mention  Meea's Hot Dogs

The Workout Room in Hollywood. Simon Gibson, Megan Rice, Jeff Sewing, Greg Edwards, Doug Dixon, and Leah Kayajanian host this great outdoor mic. Free beer, pizza, and a warm fire. Donate and help them keep it going, it's a supportive all-comic mic. 1243 N. Gower FRI Sign up at 7:30pm, starts at 8. Some 7 minute spots, then 3.

BEST HOST TO HANDLE HECKLERS

Comedian's Choice     Evan Cassidy

Honorable Mention     Erik Marino

Open Mic Reviews      Evan Cassidy

Honorable Mention    Vanessa Gritton

As a last minute addition, I found a great example of Evan working his magic at The Anchor Bar, courtesy of Duke Fightmaster!

BEST $5 MIC

Comedian's Choice     Marty's

Honorable Mention     Tao Comedy Studio

Open Mic Reviews      El Cid

Honorable Mention     Pig N' Whistle

El Cid on Sunset Blvd in Los Angeles. I just love the variety show feel with the list of performers posted backstage. It feels like I'm in the cast of The Muppet Show. Jugglers, musicians, magicians and comics. The room looks like a 16th century tavern. It's pretty damn fun for an open mic, I would try it!  MON Sign up at 7:30pm. $5 entry. 4 minutes.

Before the big winners, we have the final, highly coveted, JARED LEVIN AWARD!

BEST OVERALL OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    Anchor Bar, The Other Door, Comedy Store Potluck

Honorable Mention   Brix

Open Mic Reviews     Brix, Anchor Bar, Yardwork

Honorable Mention   Doll Hut

Brix in Sunset Beach. Love the audience of locals and tourists. It's right by the ocean and there's great food. Plus John is one of the nicest guys on the scene. It's a win-win. Join Sunset Beast/Brix Comedy on Facebook. WED Show starts at 8pm, open mic follows. 16635 Pacific Coast Highway, Sunset Beach

BEST OPEN MIC HOST

Comedian's Choice     Evan Cassidy (Anchor Bar), John Silver (Brix), Ryan Talmo(Liquid Zoo)

Honorable Mention    Vanessa Gritton and Kevin Anderson (The Other Door)

Open Mic Reviews      Brian Biancardi (Murder Room), Evan Cassidy (Anchor Bar)  The Martin Duprass (Sabor y Cultura)

Honorable Mention   Kristal "The Pistol" at The Short Stop. She hosted half of the mic, but she cranked it up to 11. Force to reckon with.

Brian Biancardi is a delightful human being. He really got the room fired up with chants of "MURD-DER" while flooding the room with multi-colored lights. It sounds stupid as I'm writing this, but you had to be there. One of the great all-comic open mics to go to. I'm just sorry I never came through for the setup outside- totally missed out. R.I.P. Murder Room.

OKAY, that's pretty much it, but I have one more guest contributor, Chad who was kind enough to take time out of his epic schedule to leave me a voicemail.

Thanks Bro. You can check out more Chad here.

Special shout out to Nolan at Dromebox Labs, which is also a fantastic mic that everyone should check out. Just a great creative atmosphere to be around.

Dromebox Labs puts out new content daily. Go to the open mic, get involved, guest on someone's show! Click the link I left above for more info, or join their Facebook page.

I know this post is long enough, but I'd like to include some of the generous responses I got from a handful of great comedians I reached out to. Here are some of their favorite mics:

Ali Macofsky- Sabor y Cultura, Anchor Bar, Grounded (R.I.P.)

Anne Flagg- The Hideaway Cafe, Cask & Hammer

Seth Woodward- T&L Pollo's, Max Bloom's, Arlyn Pillay Gallery

Charles Mockler- Meea's Hot Dogs, Tribal Cafe, Free Wifi at Union House

Meea's Hot Dogs in Eagle Rock keeps coming up, so here it is. It's one of the best open mics going now, so check it out!  TUES Sign up at 5:30pm. Starts at 6. 5 minutes. Hosted by Vince Caldera and Luis Lemus (pictured above)

Rachel Mac- The Good Nite, Chatterbox, Lyric Hyperion Theater SAT 3pm.

Chatterbox in Covina. It'll put my mind at ease to include this open mic. I get the sense that it's in the top 5, but it barely got any love in this post. I just haven't been around in awhile. THURS Starts at 8pm, so get your name in the hat- STAT!  5 minutes.

Jonathan Green- Marty's, Comedy Store Potluck, Big Wangs, The Next Stage, "Trapped With Comics" at The Lexington SUN Sign up at 5pm.

Chris Dunham- Anchor Bar, Robin Hood British Pub, Fourth Wall (favorite all-comic audience), Hooters (best crowd)

Spencer Kalendar- Pig N' Whistle, Cahuenga General Store (great food too) 

Courtney Banks- Sunday Bomb Open Mic Brunch at 1pm, TUES at the Improv, Solar de Cahuenga (most supportive) Lexington "Trapped w/ Comics"

Solar de Cahuenga in Hollywood. TUES Sign up at 7:30pm Starts at 8. Lottery mixed in with booked spots. 4 minutes. Hosted by Chris Sanders and Cooper Lee (pictured above)

Robbie Goodwin- Meltdown, Karma Lounge "Bunney Ranch" THURS 6:15pm (message Jacob Bunney in advance and add Bunney Ranch on Facebook)

Sami Sutker- Karma Lounge and "Let's Get Weird" at The Hollywood Hotel. THURS 7:30pm Lottery. 1-item min. 4 minutes. Hosted By Dave Cerwonka.

Mr. Goodnight- "I'd give Grandview Market Best Open Mic in a Grocery Store!"

Grandview Market in Mar Vista. I wish I got the angle with the actual store part of it, it's pretty funny that people are shopping. Solid mic though. 12210 Venice Blvd. WED sign up at 6:30pm, starts at 7. 4 minutes.

Sorry if your mic didn't get a mention. It doesn't mean it sucks, there are so many damn mics! There are a ton of mics that are run well, but maybe they don't necessarily stick out yet. I'm not putting out a worst-of-list. I think we know which ones suck. I'd rather not talk about those. Besides, someone else might like it, why dump on it?

Oh all right. Good riddance to THIS MIC!

Ali giving it her all at The Man Cave in Universal City. There were more than 40 televisions in this fucking place. Takes a real genius to think that this would make a great setting for an open mic. This is just one little corner of an obnoxious sports bar from hell. I'm so glad it got buried.

Big thanks to Jake Kroeger of The Comedy Bureau. Always on top of his shit every freakin day and providing us with the essential open mic/show guide. Drop him a donation!

Matt Cole for his awesome OC open mic list!

He runs the Cask & Hammer mic and it's another favorite- check that out too!

Openmikes.org, Badslava, and anyone who has ever told me about a random mic, or had nice things to say about "open mic reviews," it means a lot to know you're checking it out. If I was a better comedian, my reviews would really hold weight!

Shout out to all the awesome people that run open mics outside of California! 

Thank you for all your votes and indulging me on this, now back to actual work.

Thank you Jared Levin, Jeanne Whitney, and Tom Allen for your guest contributions!

To see all the results from the poll yourself, click here

You can read my open mic reviews for individual open mics here

Okay, it's almost 7am. I lost enough sleep over this.

It's the Good Nite mic in NOHO!  Wakka wakka!  MON sign up at 7pm. Lottery 3-5 minutes. All right, good night.

My First and Worst Year: Producing A Show

I get caught up in the gossip. Shitting on comedians that I barely know. I'm trying to stop that. Early on, I was one those guys that would say something negative because I was trying to start a dialogue and reinforce any negative feelings I had about someone. Usually based in nothing; maybe one lousy first impression or through the grapevine on Facebook. Unfortunately, talking shit is a major way to bond with other inexperienced comics. A lot of miserable, sarcastic, unmotivated, boring comics. Or 10+ year comics that bitch about how unfair everything is. They can't talk to you for 30 seconds without shitting on something.

Now I know that's not me. I never feel good about it and it never helps.

The comics I look up to are modest, rarely say anything bad about anyone because they're just focused. They don't feed the fire. I'd rant about something and they wouldn't have anything to add to it. Maybe something along the lines of,

"Yeah, that can happen," kind of response.

I'd see the look on their face. I'm the problem.

I was the same way in Junior High. Picking on the popular kids and being obnoxious because I was so desperate to be a part of their circle. Afraid to be myself. Afraid to put in that kind of work.

I'll be obsessed with some idiot for hours on a Facebook thread, so tempted to participate in the attack, but where is it going to get me? Fuck, I could've written something. I should be writing jokes now, but I think I know something about blogging and comedy! I feel like I'm just regurgitating boring opinions that have been voiced on hundreds of podcasts already, I'll try to pepper this section up! Check out this sweet ass pimp kitty vest!

At least 7 comics named Dave would kill to have this. One cat has a chainmail helmet!

I always want to prove myself to other comics. An audience of strangers is always amazing, but I do feel the pressure of an all-comic mic. It's way too important to me. I don't want to be written off, I know I can be funny. Maybe not the last 20 times you saw me, but I'll get there, don't write me off!

When I had a decent set in front of someone I respected, I felt like I could check that off. Okay, that person doesn't think I'm a piece of shit anymore. I proved myself. Getting closer to being an actual comic! Every good set is a stepping stone. My bad sets would just temporarily render me useless. Instead of doing my homework and adjusting, I would just write something new or beat a bad joke into the ground. Maybe it'll work the 27th time.

"The people that go to Burning Man only need these two words to communicate: Burning...man!"

*crickets slashing wrists*

Only 3-4 survivors from this list and my taint is still funnier.

I bombed in front of Sean Conroy and took it kind of hard. Intimidating dude, (like the Ron Perlman of improvisation) he was sitting in the front row at Echoes Under Sunset with his arms crossed, waiting for his set and just watching me hang myself. He'd probably seen a thousand variations of the heckler character I was doing. I picked on him in character, but he wouldn't roll with it. Why would he? It was more fun to watch me squirm.

Every time I asked him a question he would answer,

"Sure."

Which is sort of the "fuck you" version of "yes and,"  It's an improv thing.

I was berating the audience for being a bunch of hipsters. Yelling out,

"Well I got something for ALL OF YOU!"

Then I started handing out free coffee coupons from a local coffee shop. Sean politely declined.

I had my bombing routine where I would call up Claire afterwards and tell her I just ate shit. Or who I ate shit in front of. She would convince me that it was okay, everybody bombs, and remind me that I'd had good sets before. She would tell me that she loved me and make me feel better about what had happened. Oh, there is life after tomorrow, I forgot! Thanks, baby!

Claire understands the grind. She's a fan of a lot of the people I look up to and we listen to a lot of the same podcasts now. She got into Jen Kirkman and The Longshot Podcast early on and now she subscribes to more comedians than I do. We went to Power Violence and a number of shows at The Improv. Pete Holmes, Todd Glass, Ron Lynch, Eddie Pepitone, Maron, Sebastian, Ian Edwards, and Tig- we love Tig. She pushed me to go on the road. She encouraged me to stop using the train and take her car instead. She makes this all possible. It's unbelievable. She even made cookies when I produced my own show.

(insert hacky Field of Dreams quote) Michael Donato designed these fantastic flyers.

I'd done a couple of shows at The Lexington with Tony Bartolone where I did some character stuff. I played a wrestler, a heckler that takes on Mr. Goodnight and a squarish Steve Allen type talk show host. Anyway, the owner liked me enough and said if I ever wanted to use the space, hit him up.

Tony was nice enough to help me too, he ran sound for me. Uggh, I didn't even give him a fucking spot and he ran sound for me- that's how great a guy he is and how SELFISH I can be.

Post "The Revolution!" show outside the Lexington with Tony.

I think the best thing in comedy after doing standup is booking your own show. Reaching for the stars, pulling in friends, what a great position to be in! Compiling a fantasy list of mostly male comics and shooting them a message on Facebook.

A combination of comic friends, comics I met at open mics, (but hadn't talked to) or comics I saw on a show.

So if you're a new comic wondering, how the hell do I get booked on a show?

Well, a moron like me could accidentally see you at an open mic and then end up liking you! And I'm the guy who did a shitty set before you, remember? You never know who could be running shows.

Most people got back to me pretty quick. Comedians love a full calendar. 

I adored The Walsh Brothers. So original and twisted. They blew my mind at TigerLily and I finally met the guys through a mutual friend.

Brian Scolaro was someone I had talked to outside of The Comedy Store. He's one of the first comics to give me any kind of advice,

"Don't move To Long Beach."

Oh shit. Brian Scolaro just caught my girlfriend taking a photograph.

I was a fanboy of Dean Delray. I heard Matty Goldberg on Danny Lobell's podcast and dug his book about his friendship with Angelo Bowers. Ron Babcock was one of the friendly guys on the scene, loved his standup. I'd worked on a webseries with Paul Danke. Just met a lot of the other comics at open mics. I worked with Jeanne Whitney at Arclight Hollywood and we started standup around the same time. I watched Timika Hall do her first set at Echoes Under Sunset and she was great! Ester Steinberg cracked me up at The Palace and then I wanted to book her after I saw this sketch. She just happened to be hanging out with Neel Nanda when I was booking him, so I got both of them right then and there.

Robert Vertrees was brand new like me, but I just dug his story.

I knew I'd never have to worry about Ken Garr.

Just read his awesome blog entry "One Year Later and Why I Should Quit"

I should've taken note and made my blog shorter! That dude is a complete professional and will never hesitate to give you his tour dates at the MGM in Las Vegas.

Jak Knight was edgy and exciting. Jon Durnell was the best thing about a bringer show I did at the Formosa. I didn't even know Lisa Landry, but Brian asked if she could be on. Same thing with Kevin James Moore, a buddy of Matty's.

Maagic Collins is one of the kindest souls I've ever met. I love his standup. He would show up to my afternoon Tribal mic on Saturdays. Very supportive guy.

I think I saw Rick Wood at Power Violence and he just blew me away.

Anyway, you get the fucking point, this was just an excuse to drop everyone's links. Jesus Christ.

One time I made the amateur mistake of messaging too many people at once and then having to tell one comic I'd put them on the next show. I got a lot of grief for that and I was pulling my hair out. I was getting a guilt trip from the disappointed comic and now I didn't want to book him at all. It was totally my fault, but I was just getting through the learning curve. Book carefully, and wait for your damn responses.

Another recurring thing that kept coming up is a comic wanting to bring a friend for a guest spot. It's a good rule of thumb to keep a spot open for a possible drop-in. Or just book less comics Marty. Aren't you glad you paid $200 for this helpful comedy workshop tip?

I was also planning on doing all these wacky sketches and transitions that had nothing to do with the stand-up comedy. I wanted to make it an event. I asked Chris Walsh if we could have an extended dialogue where the Walsh Brothers get in an argument with me and then pretend to shoot me from the audience...so now I'm suddenly on the level of The Walsh Brothers! Proposing bits. Chris was really nice about it and declined in the best way possible. He made me realize that I should only work on the hosting- not all this extra dressing. I'd be stressed out enough. Plus, The Walsh Brothers have their own thing going on and it's hilarious.

Claire helped me with some basic PR stuff; shooting out emails to various websites with LA calendars of events. Lot of people check online for free entertainment. I hit up LA Weekly early enough to get this delightful blip:

Did I pay anyone? I paid Dean Delray. I paid Brian Scolaro. It seems a little unfair now, I had The Walsh Brothers, Ron Babcock, Paul Danke, and Matty Goldberg, who all have a shitload of experience.

I got this dumb idea that I should write thank you notes to everyone else. Looking back, I gave comedians false hope of money in those envelopes, only to find a badly scrawled "thank you" with some shitty stick figure doodles. At least there were cookies at the gig.

Brian mentioned the 50 bucks onstage and I was really embarrassed. It exposed the inner-workings of my inexperience and that I was holding out on everyone else. I think I would do it differently now, but it was a free show.

2nd show was a lousy turn out, but I had a handful of people because they saw an ad in the "LAist" They specifically said, "We saw it in the LAist." It blew my mind. So you never know! Send those emails out.

Tony watched me have a mini-meltdown. I was stressing out because there was a band that was booked on a show immediately after and it was clear that I was going to run over their time. I thought if I gave up my own set and kept bringing the next comic up, we'd finish on time without cutting anyone's sets down.

Tony explained to me that I shouldn't of worried about that, that it was worse to bring the comics up cold. It's better to keep the audience warmed up, but I was hopping back on stage saying,

"Give it up for Ron Babcock, and now let's keep it moving- Matty Goldberg!"

I didn't get it. I thought running over my time would fuck things up and I'd never get to do a show again. I shouldn't of booked so many comics anyway- Paul Danke was going on dead last, and he'd been waiting around so long, I felt horrible. I should buy his album.

So don't sacrifice your time for the sake of the next show- be a good host, Wurst.

But that first show had a great turnout, especially for The Lexington. The comics were kind of impressed. That extra leg work paid off.

I remember I wanted to bring Dean Delray up to a Led Zeppelin song and I kept bothering Tony about it when the order changed. Then when the music came up, Dean was clearly stoked and that little moment meant a lot to me.

On his way out he yelled,

"Congratulations on your 1st year of stand up!"

Speaking of which, I asked Melina Paez if I could be in her "DropTheSoapTV" series, where comics do stand-up in her shower. It was a fun way to cap off my first year.

Okay, that was rather manic. Just a couple steps away from Denis Leary- uggh. Anyway, I STOPPED doing that. Here's a message to myself as I time-travel back to the shower,

Horrible jokes, asshole! Your taint is hilarious by the way.

I just want to thank the people that encouraged me or gave me useful information when I started bumbling my way through open mics that first year (July 2013-2014)

Brett Gilbert, Ric Rosario, Matty Goldberg, Tony Bartolone, Jason Van Glass, Ron Babcock, Dean Delray, Chris Walsh, Matt Walsh, Danny Lobell, Mollie Gross, Melina Paez, Brian Scolaro, Jamie Flam, Jeremiah Watkins, Mike Celestino, Justin Alexio, Neel Nanda, Mikey de Lara, Paul Danke, Ari Mannis, Lydia Robinson, Ryan Doolittle, Maagic Collins, Don Barris, Elissa Rosenthal, Rob Antus, K-von, Jarrett and Emily Galante, Christiane Georgi, Hiro Matsunaga, Greg James, Carly Craig, Matthew Hilton, Sally Mullins, Matt Sauter, Matt Gamarra, Donald McKinney, Ryan Kain, Jeremy Fultz, Del Weston, Derick Armijo, Alisha Morine, Nicole Malina, Devon Schwartz, Andy Salamone, Barbara Gray, Sean Conroy, Myles Weber, Ricky Winston, Frankie Ma, Rishi Arya, Brandon Birckz, Sean K., Mike Menendez, Jamar Neighbors, Mr. Goodnight, Erica Rhodes, Matt Champagne, David Gerhardt, The Martin Duprass, John Silver, Ryan Pfeiffer, Kevin Anderson, Whitney Melton, Kym Kral, Jared Levin, Kenneth Lion, Alex Croll, Adam Carr, Trevor James, Deon Williams, Amber Brashear, Pat Regan, Brad Silnutzer, Rob Weissman, Marty, Graham Curan, Eddie Pepitone, Quincy Johnson, Blythe Metz, Willie Dynamite, Freddy Morales, Marcela Perdomo, Nick Kaufman, Atelston Fitgerald Holder The 1st, Bruce Boiman, Tom Allen, Melissa Villasenor, Maria Bamford, Todd Glass, Lou Perez, Allison Anders, Jeremy Bassett, Tony Alfieri, Laura Niles, Tamoy Sherman, Chaliss Robinson, Eddie Whitehead Jr, Brent Weinbach, Jill Maragos, Jodi Miller, Luz Pazos, Brianna Murphy, Sasha Kapustina, Alain Villenueve, Brad James, Lauren Kiang, Yoav, Ken Garr, David Gregorian, Jordan Leer, Stefano Della Pietra, Down Under Comedy Club, Mike Garrison, Brad and Sara Harris, Thomas Hussey, Harold, Chino, Tiffany Gomes, Simon Gibson, Joe Wagner, Scott Luhrs, Jay Weingarten, Joe Kardon, Pedro Salinas, Willie Dynamite, Robert Vertrees, Amber Kenny, Karah Britton, Alison Tafel, David Hill, Andy Kosec, Micah Lile, Chris Putro, Kris Rubio, Jade Thom, Brodie Reed, Ryan Talmo, Kevin Lee, Kellie Ann, Jeanne Whitney, Jake Kroeger, Nikki Riordan, Tim Mars, Christian Chavez, Jake Adams, Louise Hung, Michael Donato, my Geffen peeps, all my Arclight friends, Stella friends, childhood friends and family that came out to support.

Or if you're just generally nice to me thanks. You gave me the strength to go out and bomb one more time.

Shout out to Mike Celestino's great documentary "That's Not Funny".

and finally To Claire:

For every time I called you up to moan out my discontent, only to be dissuaded from my stubborn misery because of your constant light, love, and gentle reasoning.

For those open mics you'll never be able to unsee.

I love you more than open mic comedians love pussy jokes.

And as you know, that's a hell of a lot.

Jamie Flam, artistic director at The Hollywood Improv, closing out 2015 with Claire at the VanJam. He proudly wore the ridiculous squid hat that she brought from the aquarium.

If you'd like to continue on to Year 2 click here

OR Send me back to Open Mic Hell click here

My you are a glutton for punishment. You must be a comedian!

My First and Worst Year: Open Mic Hell

It can be pretty lonely going to an open mic when you’re starting out, especially if none of your friends are comedians. I missed the boat when a wave of my friends had just quit a year prior. I think they were just depressed by the overall experience or had moved on to better things. Eventually, I ran into a couple of people that I knew, but we didn’t hit all the same mics.

You venture out to these open mics, sign up on a list or throw your name in a bucket for a lottery draw. Echoes Under Sunset was typically swamped with 40-50 comedians. If I was way down the list, it could be hours before I got up. Then by the time it was my turn I might have an audience of 2 because everyone either bounced to other mics, or were just hanging out in the other room, charging their phones and socializing. I’d marvel at comedians that dropped in and were immediately put up. What the fuck? Why do these motherfuckers just get to go up and bounce immediately after? I've been waiting for 2 hours!

It made my blood boil.

Typical sign up scenario. Maybe 5 of those comics are actually there when it starts, the rest are gradually drifting in from other mics. Note Atelston's custom-made stamp.

Sometimes I'd go to an open mic early and the host would show up with the list. Then I'd go to sign up and there would be 10 people on the list already! What the FUCK?

All part of the game. This would happen for a number of reasons. People are texting the host for an early sign up- friends hook friends up, especially when everyone's trying to hit 3-4 mics a night. Or maybe it's a comic with a higher status- someone who's been in the game longer, so they get the respect and are granted "pop-ins". A few of those comedians would drop in and then shit on the venue in their set. Like it was beneath them to do that open mic.

Occasionally I'd luck out, get up early, and see a lot of comics in the audience...looking down at their phones, not supporting at all. Maybe just frozen in a grimace. I realized that all of this was just part of the grind. I think it's personal, but it's not. I'm just not funny.

Some mics feel like cliques, where the support isn't there unless I'm already in their circle. More than likely, I just suck!

The lounge area of Echoes Under Sunset. You could watch the comic's act on a couch without actually being inside supporting! It was always kind of funny to hear laughs in the other room- you never knew who was listening.

Comedians in the open mic scene have witnessed the same cliches pass through a million times. The young cocky guys that want to be shocking. The misogyny. White guys that think they can drop the N-word because their favorite comedian did it. Comedians that can't take the silence so they start screaming at the audience. And not at other comics, they're screaming at customers- just innocent people that happen to be there.

I saw a comic walk up to someone who was studying and scream in his ear. Just some student who didn't care that an open mic was going on because it was a fucking coffee shop. Lot of these open mics are in random places and customers might feel like they're being held hostage. I saw a young comic scream at an elderly man to suck his dick. Others have called audience members cunts. Long sets devoid of jokes.

Familiar topics range from:

1. Fat women should be grateful that I want to fuck them!

2. Midgets are ridiculous.

3. Homeless people are gross.

4. I'm fine with gay people, (my cousin is gay) as long as they don't try to fuck me in the ass.

5. Rape, molestation, 9/11, Hitler, and incest.

6. Passive aggressive rant about (insert race here)

7. Bitches be crazy.

8. A woman having her period (a disgusted man's perspective)

9. Asians are bad drivers. (occasionally told by a comic of Asian descent)

10. Dude, that's so gay.

11. Hitting women.

12. Aids. (very popular)

One of my favorite segues was at Rockpaper Coffee- a mic where the darkest of souls would gather to charge their phones. This dude named Glenn just said horrible stuff about women for a few minutes and then he transitions with,

"I just want a girlfriend."

I remember there was an avant-garde asshole at The Palace. We'd perform upstairs in this Chinese restaurant (it's still going) and this one dude starts yelling down at a family that's just trying to celebrate their kid's birthday party. The comic is doing this violent hacking cough, flailing his arms, jumping into the wall behind him, and leaning over the balcony to yell at the party. He picks up a potted plant and all this soil spills out over the floor. It might sound hilarious as I'm describing it, but nobody was laughing. The host was livid. Of course he leaves without helping to clean up. One of those real artistic performers.

I change my mind, that guy was fucking brilliant. I think his name was Crispin Glover.

That's the thing, I end up meeting people that respect those kind of performers immensely and I have to question my judgement all over again.

Oh, I see, he's emulating unfunny incarnate, I just didn't get it!

I've seen so many long, ranting monologues. There's never a shortage. I'm so depressed. I want to kill myself. Comics shitting on everything they're not. Shitting on religion just because. Comedians rolling around on the stage, screaming, doing their version of an uncomfortable Andy Kaufman set. I subjected my girlfriend to a few of these mics.

Back and forth notes with my unfortunate girlfriend, while sitting through an open mic at The Lexington.

I've become a little desensitized to the appalling behavior and just come to accept it. Most of these morons will be gone in a year or two, or they'll change their strategy from attacking the audience to writing actual jokes.

I'm friends with comics that have done these things. That's on me. I have conflicting emotions because you meet really nice people that have done awful things on stage. You should be able to express yourself at an open mic right? Maybe they just needed to get that shit out. I've definitely embarrassed myself countless times, but I firmly believe that I sink by myself. I hate comics that attack the audience because they can't handle their bombing.

With that said, I'm sure I'm due for a meltdown in the future.

Besides, that last bit killed at Flappers, so fuuuuuuuuuuck you pregnant lady, your unborn child's a cunt!

...sorry about that.

This might cheer you up, here's a picture of Jared Levin playing to a totally empty room!

Jared alone at the doomed Vaucluse Lounge on Sunset Blvd.

So I would spend hours trying to get up at various places. Sometimes there's a drink minimum. Maybe a $5 entry fee. Some mics are absolutely free. Average 3 minute sets. Some were 4-5. At Marty's you could do 20 or more. That's not necessarily a good thing.

To add to the insanity I'd see these crazy people getting on stage.

They're clearly not serious about doing comedy, and now they're robbing me of stage time! Motherfucker.

I took it really personally. Anyone who didn't seem to care about stand-up just got under my skin. I was taking the metro blue line to the red line from Long Beach up to Hollywood, which would take anywhere from 90 minutes to 2 hours. Then I would wait around for an hour or two to MAYBE go up (lottery draw, mixed with drop-ins and employees) and then some careless fuckhead employee at the Improv automatically gets to go up? They didn't even write any shit! They even said it three time during their set,

"I didn't write anything."

GREAT! Now there's this ancient vaudeville fuck doing his act from the 1940's. He's getting out the shoe polish....DEAR GOD.

I actually heard a Tammy Faye Baker and Monica Lewinsky joke- I couldn't believe it.

It's just one of those things, there's certain people you only see at certain open mics over and over- like The Laugh Factory, The Comedy Store, or The Ice House. Same weirdos popping up. A woman singing some horrible song and rambling incoherently about her life story. The dude with the huge sombrero that kept clearing his throat and fucking with his phone during everyone else's set. There was also a conspiracy theory guy that would bring charts on stage.

Most of the hosts just embrace these people. Just give them their time and move on. Maybe these mics are keeping them from doing something worse. Or maybe it's keeping them alive. Pretty dramatic, but who the fuck knows.

One guy showed up to The Ice House to battle his fear of public speaking. He would break down and cry almost every set.

Some open mics encourage feedback from other comics after your set. It's a great idea that a lot of people take advantage of. I was never crazy about it because I'm stubborn and I hate most comic's material, so why would I want their input? I do like technical notes about what I'm doing on stage, but I'm a stickler for what's written. No one can improve my 9/11 dick joke, it's the best one clearly.

Then I found myself giving unwarranted advice to comics that didn't ask for it. Jesus Marty, you're barely a year in. What the fuck do you possibly have to offer?

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I gradually made friends. It took awhile. I struggle to be myself in front of other comics to this day because I care too fucking much. I come off like a phony and I know it, but I'm trying to let it all go. No one is thinking about me! They're probably thinking, well that guy sucked, or not this piece of shit again, but that's probably it. They're worried about their set.

The Comedy Store patio mic was instrumental in finding my voice a bit. Very thankful to Josh Martin for hosting it. It was the 50-yard line for an open mic week. Wednesdays AND Thursdays at 4pm, which is really early for a week day mic. It left me plenty of time to hit some more mics at 6 or 7pm. When I was taking the bus everywhere, it meant a lot to get those two guaranteed mics in every week. I started to loosen up because of this place. I felt a camaraderie here. I really bonded with some good people.

Josh Martin hosting.

There were so many distractions- the street noise alone. Every few minutes, a bus would pull over to take pictures. TMZ and Rasta buses. Double decker buses. Just a bunch of tourists on vacation getting bombarded with worthless information about The Comedy Store and now they were staring at us. So we would try to make something of that moment. Or I might just say something lame, lose my place and never recover. Some comics screamed at them. We'd hear the occasional request of,

"Tell us a joke!"

One time I took the challenge and told a quick joke to a bunch of tourists on a bus and got the laugh. That felt like the accomplishment of the year for me- Sean K. was just clowning on how I was gonna choke and then under the gun I got the laugh.

One time a bunch of dudes in a party bus asked a comedian to hop in for a ride.

He did. We never saw him again.

Mike Schmidt performing.

PJ Stansbury would wander into the mic, drinking PBR and promptly shit on everybody during his set. He's what most moms would call a "potty-mouthed troll." I had no idea he was a paid regular. This guy was spewing so much toxic bile I was stunned to know his name was on the fucking wall. First impressions man. They never last. Now he's just a potty-mouthed troll that I happen to like.

Pauly Shore would occasionally pull into the driveway to do business at the Store and give us a wave.

Sometimes pedestrians would participate in the madness. They could hear us from the street, so they'd yell shit out as they walked by. Heckling would take place too, or on a couple of occasions a shouting match. It was always fun to see people stop in their tracks and then actually come in for a few minutes to watch. The bar was open after all.

That particular mic was a great training ground and there was just something about that energy outside on Sunset Blvd.

Chris Dunham.

There were the audition mics like Flappers, that could lead to an audition, which would lead to those bringer-type shows.

Or you could stand outside the Laugh Factory for a few hours and sign up to perform the following week! Also an audition type scenario that could lead to longer sets and showcase consideration... don't hold your breath.

Brandon Brickz and I waiting outside the Laugh Factory.

Always a sober moment when some beautiful person in a fancy car rolls down their window to question the line of 15 comics, standing outside the Laugh Factory.

"Who are you waiting for, what comedian?"

"No, we're waiting to sign up- WE'RE the comedians."

"Oh." (sympathetic wave, drives off)

Some of the comedians are in lawn chairs. One guy is eating a sandwich from the deli next door. An old man is talking our ear off about his "comedy career" back in the day. They cut the line at 15, but the 16th person is waiting anyway- just in case. They're going to be disappointed. No exceptions.

I'd sit around, try to write a joke for a minute and then give up. Someone would start a conversation with me. Or hand me their dog for this picture.

I lied, I asked to hold the dog. This is Cloud. He is a poodle/chihuahua mix.

That's the only good thing I really have to say about standing outside the Laugh Factory. I meet good people. I won't meet the owner, Jamie Masada. At least, not any time soon. He's in the Bahamas or something. Which is a good thing, I'm still terrible. He was there once out of the 7 times I've done it. so I eventually grew bored and got involved with other things.

I'll end this entry with another painful artifact. I can't bring myself to watch this again, but I'll post it.

I was interested in the Flappers podcast, the "FlappCast" because the owners/hosts had on a lot of comedians that I knew. Anyone could do a short set. Plus they booked some pretty good guests to sit in and give feedback. Very much like the KillTony podcast except nothing funny happens. 

I take that back, GT's appearance, which I must hunt down. They were so shocked by his performance. Nothing like an eccentric, hated, ticking time-bomb comic to blow the lid off an unsuspecting room.

So I found out how to sign up and made a fool of myself. I remember being so disappointed that they didn't get me. That I was doing these outlandish bits; an over-the-top impression that couldn't be serious. An over-the-top story that couldn't be true. When I talked to them I felt like they hadn't even listened to me.

Not that any of my material was good, my shirt alone sealed my doom.

to continue to Producing A Show click here

OR BACK to the BRINGER SHOWS (gag reflex) click here

My First and Worst Year Doing Stand-Up Comedy: Westwood BREWCO and Onward

3 years in. This is a rundown of some of my favorite things and most cringe-worthy moments that happened in my stand-up journey so far. It's a list to remind myself because I don't want to forget. Even the stuff I wish I could, like when the host cut the mic on me 3 minutes into a ten minute set because I said "cock." 

I'm not a great writer, so I apologize if this style is hard on the eyes. I'll try to get my girlfriend Claire to proof-read it later. Maybe you can recommend a background color that's easier on the eyes. I'll try to include a lot of pictures and clickable links whenever I reference a particular open mic or venue, so you can see what these places look like.

In 2013 I told myself I'd give stand-up comedy a year and then decide if I wanted to continue. It wasn't so much a bucket-list, but a personal goal because I'd been doing comedy in different forms for a number of years. Plus I felt like my soul had bottomed out after a nasty break up and I think I was just trying to go balls out on something new and exciting.

I was listening to comedy podcasts, I started dating Claire and I saw a great show with her at the Improv with Jen Kirkman and Eddie Pepitone. I think the excitement of the possibility was building in my head. I tried to convince my friend Matt to start with me, but he went his own way. It was one of those weak pacts like,

"Hey man, you want to fast for 7 days?"

And then by the end of day one,

"Hey man, you want to hit Del Taco and split a chocolate cake?"

1. I went to Westwood BrewCo's final open mic, which was a long-running, highly regarded place run by Vance Sanders and Robert Yasumura, who were worshipped. Many great comedians had honed their craft there- it was a place that was serious about comedy. That night was more of a somber farewell with guest drop-ins. I was a total outsider and didn't know any comedians yet, but I worked just around the corner at the Geffen Playhouse. I got the idea that I was going to cause a stir- make an undeniable first impression. I was going to do something CRAZY.

If I got called up, the plan was to perform Robert Yasumura's material AS Robert Yasumura, as a sly nod, but mostly because it was a cocky thing to do and I could sort of mock him at the same time. We're talking a highly respected comedian, not to mention one of the FOUNDERS of BREWCO. Real dickhead plan, Marty, Good on you. Totally shitting on the event because I thought I had to go in STRONG!

I studied his routine for 30 minutes and convinced myself that I was ready. I honestly thought that everyone would love it. Oh man, he's doing Robert's material- that's so funny!

The merciful comedy gods were on my side that night. Robert didn't pull my name out of the bucket. He got to one newbie, but it wasn't me. Thank God. it would've undoubtedly been my first lesson in humility and would've backfired a million times over. I would've burned so many bridges, slurring through the routine with several beers in me, probably forgetting the jokes, while the other comics would just marvel at the idiot that was committing suicide at their mic.

What a total douchebag.

It didn't happen though. I'm so GRATEFUL I didn't get to make that first impression.

2. July 14, 2013. 

I read about Marty's on Badslava. There were hilarious reviews and it seemed like the perfect dumpy place to get my first performance out of the way. It didn't sound like anyone would be paying attention, which was good. Like going to a whorehouse to lose my virginity. Quick, sad, and over. So I went there, paid my 5 bucks, and Marty brought me up.

"Hey, going to try and work out my jitters," I said.

I performed maybe 2-3 minutes out of a possible 10-15. My set-list was as follows:

My Last Name, Bob Marley, Cat-Clicking, Man of Steel, "You're Cuter!" and Normalize Breast Feeding.

A comic named Austin said,

"That was your first time? That was good man." I remember I loved one of his punchlines,

"It was the elephantitus in the room, but nobody said anything."

Chuck Bronson was there, along with some performance artist called DYSFUNCTIONAL.

I had survived my first mic. The next week, I went to Marty's again, then Sal's Comedy Hole, then Meltdown Comics. The Jon Lovitz Comedy Club was mysteriously closed one night and I never had a chance to go back.

3. After weeks of bombing I got my first "big laugh" at The Palace.

"Had a great open mic last night- my first break thru where I heard the whole audience laugh.  Now I want to chase after that moment again and again.  Been going to some really interesting venues- last night was the 2nd floor of a Chinese Restaurant." (from an e-mail to a friend.)

That was a game changer. I accidentally connected or something, but getting a small group of comedians to laugh was very special. I should've thrown the mic down and said,

"Holy shit, I'm done," and walked away from comedy forever. I'd never get a group of comedians to laugh again.

4. I was huffing it back to the train from the Dangerfield's 3 mic and I saw Paul Scheer and his transparent party tour bus slow down next to me. It was for the "Crash Test" pilot he was filming with Rob Huebel. I had my earphones in and couldn't make out what he was saying, but he was waving to me, so I just saluted back. I had my Long Shot Podcast t-shirt on and I felt like I was having my first comedy nerd moment. I've had Hollywood moments- I've been out here since '99, but that was the first thought of, Hey, I'm one of you guys! I'm doing comedy too! Can I get a ride? No? WELL FUCK YOU, HUMAN GIANT SUCKS!

5. I was consistently hosting at Echoes Under Sunset because no one else would. What a great opportunity! Christian was so cool to me and never hesitated to give up the reigns to young and eager comics. I was suddenly on stage, bringing people up, fucking up their names, apologizing profusely, bombing spectacularly, and often! Great way to start remembering names and faces though. I was writing helpful pronunciations on the side of their actual names,

"Jeff WATT-AND-HAW-FUR."

I was so confused when comics were angry about me fucking up their name, yet they refused to tell me the actual pronunciation!

"No, let me have this to hate about you Wurst. Go fuck yourself new guy!"

Despite my bumbling on stage, I managed to make a few friends. One night I was doing a heckler character and I swear there was only two people watching, but one of them was Tony Bartolone. He came up to me after and said he liked my bit. He was really enthusiastic about it. He asked me if I could do a little improvised bit on a show he was doing. My first real booking!

6. I kept a comedy journal of my first year. I wrote down names of comics that I liked with a star. Ron Babcock- "Funny!" Matt Champagne. Ester Steinberg.

"Jake Cannon told us all to leave." (from a Sal's set)

Dave Ross. I also marked the comics that were doing stuff outside of the box. Some of them I hated. Some of them I liked. Some I hated, started talking to them, and then realized I'd made a bad call. I made a lot of bad calls. First impressions were usually way off, with the exception of GT. I met comics and then listened to them being interviewed on podcasts. More confirmation that I had been wrong. So many interesting people.

7. Chris Putro saw me at The Other Door and put me on his Crispy Comedy Show. 8 minutes seemed like an hour, so I prepared a lot that night.

8. One night when I was bumbling through my hosting duties at Echoes, I brought up Maria Bamford. I barely got her name out.

Some of my favorite ladies in comedy showed up at the Echoes Under Sunset open mic that night. Maria Bamford, Melissa Villasenor and Amber Kenny!

9. I did Tony's show at The Lexington and played a wrestler obsessed with John Cena.  Eddie Pepitone was the headliner that night and he saw me perform. At one point I called the audience a bunch of assholes and I heard Eddie's cackle for a moment. Man that felt good.

10. I hosted at Tribal Cafe for 3 hours every Saturday afternoon for 6 months. I had plenty of time to practice by myself, because ...not a lot of foot traffic.. I was lucky to have more than 3 in the audience. Jeanne Whitney occasionally hosted with me. Anyway, it could be pretty bleak, but I met some cool people like Maagic Collins and Tamoy Sherman. Then there was the guy in the cowboy hat.

It was already a crazy day because earlier, a fight almost broke out. Some guy was performing and it was one of those aggressive uncomfortable sets and Tamoy made the mistake of telling the guy to tell some jokes. That escalated into a shouting match and it was clearly going to get ugly, so I cut the mic and told the guy to leave.

"FREEDOM OF SPEECH!" was his parting argument.

Yeah, we all thank our lucky stars for having freedom of speech whenever an asshole rants on the mic.

Anyway, so that left things tense. So then the dude with the cowboy hat enters.

He's an older man, not particularly funny, and I'm guessing he's just one of the many eccentric characters that hang out in Echo Park.

He made jokes about going postal and with a grin he opens up his shirt to reveal he's strapped with dynamite.

Claire was there, she can vouch for this.

Of course it wasn't real, it couldn't be, but the day had taken a turn and it would've been entirely appropriate for some dude to walk in and kill us all- that was the punchline! I told one comedian he had to leave and another popped in to blow us up! Hilarious.

Claire said it had to be candles. So now everything is weird in the room, he's still doing his set and next he unsheathes a samurai sword. I'd failed to notice he had a sword on him, I know this is surreal.

He's waving it around and there was no mistaking it, a real sword. It's a David Lynch moment, the dude is still grinning like he's my friend, he even asks me,

"Did I get the light?"

"I'm not going to light you, you got the sword," I said.

He finished his set and left. The bored, unaffected Tribal employee failed to notice this was even happening. The service always sucked there anyway. I called it a day and quit early.

In the following weeks I went to Fanatic Salon, IO West, House of Tacos and Rockpaper Coffee. Jamar Neighbors was hosting at the Hollywood Improv on the main stage. What a fun mic.

I took the bus to Burbank and had my first audition at Flappers- nailed those 3 minutes. I practiced it until 3am the night before. I'm sure that was completely unnecessary. That lead to my exhilarating, but mostly painful experience with bringer shows, so I'll stop here. I can't wait to re-live the next chapter.

To be continued in the next day or so...

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