This Half-Assed Hustle (compiled truths and occasional fiction)

2:25pm

Driving up to Los Angeles with my Spotify playlist on shuffle. Some day I would like to be driving a car full of comics, singing along to Lady Marmalade as we drive 100 miles to our next gig.

3:21pm

I have to piss so bad. I gotta get out of this fucking car. Adjusting my seat to find any angle that gives my bladder even the slightest relief. You can't pull a Dumb and Dumber in your girlfriend's car, you're not pissing into that bottle.

3:40pm

Park at Amoeba Music and then walk over to Arclight Hollywood. I haven't seen a movie here in years, but I'll happily take a piss any chance I get. The dome is especially good for taking a dump- best bathroom in Hollywood. Its been 10 years since I quit and I still have a couple of friends that work here. Amazing.

3:47pm

Go through hundreds of "As Is" used DVDs, prices ranging from $1.99-7:99. I'm gradually buying back my old collection- this was my addiction for awhile. I've bought and sold and repurchased DVDs from this place dozens and dozens of times. Losing money every time. Like when I first moved to LA and didn't have a checking account, so I'd go to one of those Check Cashing places and they'd take a huge chunk. I've perfected so many ways of losing money. Some comedian said, "I'm the Michael Jordan of overdraft fees." I think most comedians could've written that.

5:10pm

Meltdown Comics

Sign my name on the scrap of paper and throw it in the lunch pail. I see a comic that I want to say hi to, but I'm too worried he's going to think I'm kissing up to be on his show. Forced conversation might raise suspicions. He's kind of goofy like I am. In the end, I shy away. We give mutual nods of acknowledgement instead. I've made attempts in the past, but it never lasts past a couple of pleasantries. Goddammit, why do I act like it's a fucking audition, just relax.

5:20pm

The room is starting to fill up. People are smoking out back. I have a few exchanges with other male comics. Majority of comedians in Los Angeles are familiar with this dialogue:

"You going to the Store next?"

"Nah, I'm gonna bounce to Marty's or Pig N Whistle. You?"

"If I don't get up at the Store I'll go down to The Improv Space."

"Cool, cool."

It's all hollow and predictable, but I say these things all the time. Where you coming from? Where you bouncing to next? Is that a good mic? How many minutes? You got anything coming up?

If I find out the person I'm talking to was booked on a cool show I'll get a little pissed off. It'll show on my face too, I'm an incredibly bad liar. It's completely insane, it doesn't even matter if I genuinely like the person, I'll still feel a flash of jealousy. It's involuntary at this point, I've programmed myself to be competitive against everyone because everyone is doing things that I'm not.

Then I remind myself that I'm not very good yet. I don't have to be everywhere, Jesus. Get good and then worry about that shit!

Awkward hug. Forgot that person's name.

5:35pm

One of two hosts calls out my name for the 20th spot. Shit. I probably can't do The Store and then bounce back and make it work, so I guess I'll just be here. Some of the other guys know how to flip-flop to multiple places, but I haven't figured it out yet. It's a little disheartening when 3/4 of the room clears out and there's less than ten people in the audience.

6:20pm

Still waiting around. They worked in some of the more established comics into the line up, which drags things out. Still burns my ass when someone drops in for five minutes and then they're gone in a flash. Must be nice.

I step outside and I have a conversation with Jeff for a bit. He talks my ear off about surface level comedy shit and keeps asking me questions. It's irritating because he immediately looks down at his phone when I start to answer and then he asks me again. It all feels out of obligation and reinforces my fear of losing my own personality someday; where I become an automatic networking robot of a comic that vomits out the same line of bullshit over and over. Never connecting with people, only advertising, advertising, posting, tweeting, and screaming at all the other comics, HEY- HERE"S WHAT I'M DOING- HERE I AM! PICTURE OF ME AT SHOW. PICTURE OF ME HAVING ACCOMPLISHED THIS THING. PICTURE OF ME POSING WITH BETTER COMIC THAT SHOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!

7:10pm

I'm on stage and only half way through a joke when the realization that I'm bombing stifles the little energy that I have. I feel myself trailing off and force myself to finish. It's painful. I even got a fake laugh, which is worse than silence because it probably came from another comic. I'm supposed to listen to this set on my phone later to find out where I went wrong. How about when I got on the stage?

7:15pm

I'm scrolling through other open mic options on The Comedy Bureau. I really just want to go home. I don't want to pay $5 for a mic I can't stand, or a 1-drink minimum when I don't want to drink. I mean, I could get a soda, but when I'm at a bar I just gravitate towards beer. Why do I keep going to these 3 minute mics and waste my time with tried and failed material? Where's the progress Wurst?

By the time I decide on one, it'll be too late for me to get there in time. I suppose I could pop into Tribal and see what's happening. A nostalgic stop that probably won't do much for my mood, but I already bombed once anyway.

The romantic side of me wants to spend the remainder of my monthly allowance on a Reuben sandwich at Canters. Write jokes with coffee and a sandwich. Then worry about money later. But would you really write anything?

I like to bottom out. When I have a little money, I quickly burn through it almost to get it over with, embracing the inevitable. Then I hit zero and it's a reset button. I get help from my Dad, or I occasionally land some random gig with filming or editing. The audiobooks were completely unrealistic; I basically donated a few hundred work hours and barely made anything. I'll work my ass off on projects that make little to no return. I go after the impossible each time. Acting, filming, now comedy and audiobooks, why does anyone continue to support me?

7:26pm

I have Claire on the phone. She says I'm not a piece of shit. I was trying to convince her otherwise, but she knows my self-esteem is just low, because I bombed and now I'm just trying to bear-hug all the negative things that I can. I am a good person. I'm just incredibly stupid.

She says I'm not stupid. She says that I'm kind and generous. I finally give in and tell her I love her. I tell her there's a chance I'm going to hit one more mic. She asks me to text her when I'm heading home.

7:40pm

Sitting in the car, thinking I should've signed up at Anchor Bar for a late spot. That would've been perfect. Just get the fuck out of LA, you're burned out on this side. Maybe I could visit an old friend while I'm up here. I could go back to Amoeba and get that Kung-Fu movie for four bucks. Go home and eat that can of black beans and not spend another dime. Do mics in Long Beach the next week without spending anything.

I could easily make it to Mel's or Big Wangs later. The list at Tribal could be a mile long- plus I think you're supposed to order a sandwich now. Their food is good but their service sucks.

7:49pm

Hit the library just before it closed. A little inspiration might help! Autobiographies from Sarah Silverman, David Spade, and Bernie Mac! Plus a book about Cult Films and Facts I Should Know- warm up the brain matter, possible premises. I love walking out with a shitload of books!

9:30pm

Who calls it a night when comedy is just starting? This guy!

Claire is still up and our fatty kitty Tune is sitting an inch from her face, her paws propped up on her favorite human's chest. She's in purr mode, but when I get close she briefly sniffs my face for identification. I check out.

Sometimes it's not the number of mics I hit. I hit a wall tonight and needed an out. I need to cut myself a break. So many people are working harder than me and I know it. What's it going to take man?

Best Open Mics of 2016

Hey, I'm Marty Wurst and I review open mics on my Instagram. Comedy seems to come second.

It's fun to tell my family where I go to open mics.

I get to say I do comedy in gay bars, sports bars, dive bars, rock bars, at the Scientology Celebrity Center, in front of a green screen, at a bagel shop, Chinese restaurants, book stores, art galleries, backyards, record stores, wine bars, a comic book shop, a wine cellar, a grocery store, a bowling alley, a garage IN AN ALLEY, hotels, outside a hot dog joint, inside a hot dog joint, a thrift store, a barbershop, some pizzerias, in a number of coffee shops, comedy clubs, and black box theaters...on a boat, in a cheese shop, and at an AA meeting. Just think about how crazy that sounds. I can't wait to see where I end up this year.

Laundromat, butchershop, nursing home? 101 Freeway mic. Sex shop mic has to happen. How about a D-list celebrity's home? Hang on to the side of a plane on takeoff like Tom Cruise and everyone in the plane can hear you do comedy! Tasty riffs about dying, comedians love that shit!

There were 50 new mics that popped up this year, but I think I made a pretty good dent. ONWARDS!

WINNERS OF 2016

Alright, let me just say up front, I didn't know how to consistently separate these mics into the appropriate categories, whether to include mics that had folded, or write out every single mic into every category- it was too much to wrap my head around. Plus I screwed up a question where you couldn't write in your own answer- the "Best Bucket" mic was limited to 4 answers only, so I apologize.  I corrected it, but it probably cost certain mics the winning votes...I'm a dick.

SEE?

This is just for fun. We all have our favorite mics and we're loyal to them. I just thought it'd be cool to show you what mics are out there and maybe you'll consider checking one out some day. Or maybe you'll snub me next time you see me.

"Hey asshole, saw the results. Thanks for leaving my mic off the list ya DOUCHEWURST!"

I hit a lot of these mics only ONCE, so YOUR VOTES will also help me decide whether I should return.

I really want to give all the solid open mics props, I really do. Anyway, I won't muck it up next time. If it makes you feel better, The Joke Gym never gets props.

ON TO THE WINNERS!

BEST FEEDBACK MIC

Comedian's Choice    Flappers Burbank

Open Mic Reviews     Fanatic Salon

No pictures in this category, sorry!

BEST BUCKET MIC

Comedian's Choice     "Mouthypants" at The Other Door

Open Mic Reviews       Grounded Cafe

Honorable Mentions    BAPS Hollywood Hotel mic TIED with Sabor y Cultura   

BUCKET TIME!  "Mouthypants" at The Other Door was like the CHEERS of open mics. Meeting with friends, getting drunk, and doing comedy. Kym Kral and Whitney Melton are the biggest sweethearts and made everyone feel welcome. Now the torch has been passed on to Kevin Anderson and Vanessa Gritton, who keep that love going every TUES. Email killermicotherdoor@gmail.com by Monday at 5 PM. 20 names will be chosen at random. Join Killer Mic on Facebook Sign-up for 20 lottery spots starts at 8pm at the show. 10437 Burbank Blvd, North Hollywood.

And now...it's time for a very special presentation of

THE JARED LEVIN AWARDS!

Jared Levin is a comedian in Los Angeles. He's humped over a thousand stools on various stages across the mid-west. You may know Jared as the comic who cleverly uses the mic stand as a semi-automatic weapon, his way of paying tribute to Jeff Carrisalez. That makes him over-qualified to give out awards.

BEST OPEN MIC FOR DEPLORABLE BEHAVIOR

Comedian's Choice     Marty's

Open Mic Reviews      Blacklight District Lounge (trust me)

Honorable Mention    Liquid Zoo

The Blacklight District Lounge in Long Beach is what comic hell is like. I can't recommend it, because you'll hear the darkest, most fucked up depressing shit. I feel like rape jokes were born here. You'll hear N-bombs and misogyny and no one will laugh. All your jokes will get the same reaction. NOTHING. Every once in awhile, a comic may chuckle, but it'll shake you! You do get a nice chunk of time (10-15 minutes) and the hosts are always friendly, but it's a sad place. Bar Rescue couldn't even rescue this place- Blacklight District Lounge rejected them! They said,

"No thanks! We're happy wallowing in shit, now get THE FUCK OUT!"

If you're a glutton for punishment like I am, come on through!

BEST MIC TO DO YOUR FIRST SET

Comedian's Choice     Tribal

Open Mic Reviews      Marty's

Honorable Mentions   Sal's Comedy Hole, Rockpaper Coffee

Marty's at 7351 Sunset Blvd (entrance on Martel) This is home base for a lot of comics. For good reason. You can do 10-30 minutes between two rooms. Hang out, shoot the shit, have some coffee, order pizza, charge your phone, etc. You might not have an audience. Sometimes you do. Some comics may suggest tags for your bits- they get into it here- finding the funny. It can be lively. People return after years of being away.

It was good for my first mic because I knew in advance that it would be a low pressure environment. Lose my virginity quick and get it over with- done. It wasn't pretty, but I did my first set. Marty is supportive. This is a convenient location for a lot of comics and it's open every day! MON-FRI 5-11pm and SAT-SUN 7-11pm. $5 includes coffee and plenty of stage time.

Just don't bring your girlfriend here, that'll prompt Marty to tell his string of rape/incest jokes.

BEST CHINESE RESTAURANT OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice   The Palace

Open Mic Reviews    The Palace   

Joe Kardon hosts at The Palace Restaurant in Los Feliz. On some nights, this room can feel as tough as The Comedy Store. A lot of great comics have done their time here. I've always loved Joe's intros. TUES The mic is after the booked show, which starts around 9:50pm. Lottery. 4 minutes.

BEST MIC THAT FOLDED TOO SOON

Comedian's Choice      Days Inn

Open Mic Reviews       Los Globos

Honorable Mentions    Blackbull Chophouse

Nikki Black and Ellie McElvain were behind the Los Globos mic. It started great and they maintained a fun atmosphere in an intimate room. Plus they found a bag of coke on the stage that some band had left from the night before.

BEST B-LINE PAST THE COMEDIAN TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

Comedian's Choice     Karma Lounge (beads!!)

Open Mic Reviews      Scallywags

"Plan B" open mic at Scallywags barbershop. A great all-comic mic in Fullerton that had the unique sheet metal backdrop/bathroom door directly behind the performer. There's no way you could ignore it and I especially loved when a comic would end their set, then immediately turn around to go to the bathroom. R.I.P. Scallywags!

LOUDEST OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    Big Wang's

Honorable Mention   Wine Bar (Long Beach)

Open Mic Reviews     Dog Haus

Honorable Mention   Wine Bar (Long Beach)

Alex Duong hosting at Big Wangs in Hollywood. Sure it may be one of the loudest, but Alex said it right, "This is where you get good. If you can be funny here, you can do any room."  He hosts "The Best of 3rd Worlds Comedy" with Haiti every MON and they're a riot. Sign up at 10pm, starts at 11. 1-item minimum. 5 minutes.

BEST SAFE SPACE MIC

Comedian's Choice       Tao Comedy Studio

Open Mic Reviews        Tao Comedy Studio

Honorable Mentions     Irvine Improv, The Clown House

Bobby Oliver (not pictured here) runs The Tao Comedy Studio on Beverly Blvd. No malicious content here. As she puts it, "Take your rape jokes to Marty's because I'm too old for this shit!" Supportive and fun. MON at 8pm (women only) and FRI at 8pm. $5 which includes a drink. 5 minutes.

I also got a voicemail from a great comic/friend, Jeanne Whitney. Here's her take on safe space mics.

And now...another installment of the JARED LEVIN AWARDS!

BEST DIVE BAR MIC

Comedian's Choice      Liquid Zoo

Honorable Mentions    Lexington, M-Bar

Open Mic Reviews       M-Bar

Honorable Mentions    Lexington, The Blvd

The M Bar in East LA. This is definitely one of those hidden gems in the open mic scene. Steven Moreno and Tony Alfieri host. Great underground vibe, like you're hanging out in somebody's basement. Sometimes Steven brings churros. Hit it up on SUN Sign up 8:30pm, starts at 9. A 1-item minimum gets you 7 minutes!

BEST NEW OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    Cask & Hammer, Arlyn Pillay Gallery TIED for 2nd with Scientology Celebrity Center (haha) and Molly Bloom's

Honorable Mention   Delicious Vinyl TIED with Meea's Hot Dogs

Open Mic Reviews     Free Wifi, Meea's Hot Dogs, The Whisperer

Honorable Mention   The Blvd

Free Wifi at The Union House, Downtown LA. Come on, that's a great set-up! Really impressed by this mic; first outdoor night mic I've been to that's really lit well. It's a fun stage and they're energetic hosts: Jessica Dyer, Robbie Bruens, Phillip Maxwell Binder, and Tara McGorry. TUES starts at 8pm, but you can sign up as late as 10! Rolling lottery. $1 for 5 minutes or 3 minutes for free. A bargain!

BEST HECKLERS

Comedian's Choice    Liquid Zoo

Honorable Mention   Anchor Bar

Open Mic Reviews     Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention   The Cork Lounge

Ryan Talmo (The Valley Jesus) hosts at the Liquid Zoo in Van Nuys. Alas, the WED mic with Ron Swallow is no more, but you can still get your heckle fix on Sundays with Talmo. I don't know much from experience, but I recall countless posts online about crazy shit that went down at the Zoo. It's a great dive bar and for a 1-item minimum you get 7 minutes. Sign up on SUN at 8:30pm.

BEST OPEN MIC WITHIN A 2-BLOCK RADIUS

Comedian's Choice    Venice Grind

Open Mic Reviews     Venice Grind

Venice Grind is an impressive mic run by Shannon O' Donnell. It has great atmosphere, feels more like a show, and Shannon is constantly running around to make sure things are going smoothly. Nice to have a host that's an ace with sound too. Great mixed mic option! Sign up Sunday at 5pm, starts at 6. Lottery. 3-5 minutes.

BEST OPEN MIC THAT ENDED IN 2016

Comedian's Choice    Echoes Under Sunset, Scallywags, "Mouthypants" at The Other Door

Honorable Mention   Main St. Bar and Cabaret

Open Mic Reviews     Murder Room, Main St. Bar and Cabaret, Echoes Under Sunset

Honorable Mention    Days Inn

Echoes Under Sunset in Echo Park. Lot of great memories for a lot of comics. Another home base. Fantastic space. Christian and Jasmine Chavez were so generous and always friendly. A countless number of shows were produced here. I got to bring Maria Bamford on this stage. It was such a good training ground for new comics, you could volunteer to host. Great hang. Could be a really tough room at times. There were a lot of young guys on stage venting about their worthless lives, but I met some of my favorite people here. Anyone who misses it should go through Christian's amazing album on Facebook-dive into a giant tasty bowl of seasoned chips and go through the memories.

BEST MIXED MIC

Comedian's Choice    Tribal Cafe

Honorable Mention   Venice Grind

Open Mic Reviews     Slip Bar and Eatery

Honorable Mention    The Lost Bean

Tribal Cafe in Echo Park! Random hosts, or no host at all, but you can reliably get some time MON-THURS or on SUN. They all start at 6pm. $4 purchase minimum, but the food is grubbin! Another great choice for a first mic; it's low pressure, you will learn to deal with the occasional blender, and you can always ask if they need a host. Get some experience in!

BEST DIY MIC

Comedian's Choice    Garage Behind Food 4 Less

Honorable Mention   Workout Room in Hollywood

Open Mic Reviews     Meea's Hot Dogs

Honorable Mention    Holy Grounds and Coffee (love that stage!)

The Garage Behind Food 4 Less in Los Angeles. This is Victor Martinez Jr's creation and it's fucking dope. Longer sets, snacks, beer, you can park right in the alley, and get some decent time. If piss-smelling, trash covered alleys isn't your thing, well you're probably free of STDs, but I dig it!

1717 S Western Ave. SAT starts at 10:30pm First, come, first served. 7-8 minutes.

This shit ain't over...another winner takes it all in the JARED LEVIN AWARDS!

BEST MIC TO GET BAKED

Comedian's Choice    Garage Behind Food 4 Less

Honorable Mention    Sunday BOMB Open Mic Brunch

Open Mic Reviews     Boat Mic

Honorable Mention   Rafa's Lounge

If you ever see Boat Mic pop up on The Comedy Bureau again, find a way to get on it! Tim Spencer is a gracious host and puttering around Marina del Rey is a wonderful way to spend a night. Can't imagine a better place getting high either...you're one with nature broooooo.

BEST COFFEE SHOP MIC

Comedian's Choice      Sabor y Cultura

Honorable Mentions    The Library, Solar de Cahuenga 

Open Mic Reviews       Grounded Cafe

Honorable Mentions    Coffee+Food, The Library

Sabor y Cultura mic with The Martin Duprass. They were kick ass hosts that kept it energetic and fun. They gave out prizes, used clappers, and made you feel okay about waiting around for a couple hours. Anyway, they just recently passed the torch over to Bryan Vokey and Christian Pieper- very funny guys.  Sabor has a great menu, plenty of space and there's people all over the place, which makes it kind of fun. Like two sets of audiences to play to. FRI Sign up at 8pm. Lottery. 3 minutes.

BEST FOOD

Comedian's Choice    Karma Lounge

Open Mic Reviews     Karma Lounge

Honorable Mention    Tribal Cafe (over 100 items on their menu! Great grub.)

Karma Lounge makes the best sliders I've ever had. Truffle fries are outrageous too. I had these two nights ago and I forgot to take my own picture!

BEST LATE NIGHT OPTION

Comedian's Choice      Flappers Bar (Burbank)

Honorable Mention     Mel's Drive-In

Open Mic Reviews       Flappers (Claremont)

Honorable Mention      Hooters

Claremont Flappers won me over. Every time I've gone, there has been a solid audience. Flappers Yoo-Hoo room in Burbank is a great late night option too- they had a great audience, but Claremont was even better. When there are more customers in the audience than comics waiting to go up, that's saying something. It's definitely clicky here, but it's worth it for the audience. THURS Sign up at 9-9:30pm. Starts at 10. First come, first served. 3 minutes.

BEST ALL-COMIC AUDIENCE

Comedian's Choice      The Clubhouse  

Honorable Mentions     Max Bloom's TIED for 2nd with Murder Room, and Hyperion Tavern TIED for 3rd with Pig N' Whistle

Open Mic Reviews       Grounded Cafe

Honorable Mentions     Murder Room, T&L Pollo's

The Clubhouse in Los Feliz. You wouldn't know that there's a ton of great comedy going on next to Jons in an ugly strip mall. Another hidden gem for the comedy nerds. The Clubhouse has multiple rooms with a sweet MST3K mural out front. Open mic is FRI Sign up at 6pm. 6:30 start. Lottery. 3 minutes. Jace Avery and Connor McNutt host.

Who will win next in the JARED LEVIN AWARDS?

BEST CROWD

Comedian's Choice      Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention    Irvine Improv

Open Mic Reviews      Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention    Hooters

This is the best way to show you what the Anchor Bar experience is like. A picture won't capture it. Take a look at Duke Fightmaster's fantastic ongoing series and tell me you don't want to be a part of it! Even when it's really late, there's usually a few die-hard comedy fans that stick it out.

BEST MIC FOR LONGER SETS

Comedian's Choice      Paladino's (8 minutes)

Honorable Mention     M-Bar      (7-8 minutes)

Open Mic Reviews       Doll Hut   (10 minutes)

Honorable Mention     The Nectar Lounge (8 minutes)

The Doll Hut is an awesome punk bar in Anaheim.  There's just something about this room that's FUN. Joshua Waldrop hosts and produces the Red Guerrilla Funhouse show on the 2nd Wednesday of every month- the open mic follows it. Even on slow nights it's a great hang. Joshua is a great dude and will always get you up. This is my home base! 10 minute sets.

BEST MIC TO PERFORM 3 MINUTES

Comedian's Choice    The Lab at The Hollywood Improv

Honorable Mention    Comedy Store Potluck

Open Mic Reviews     Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention   Westside Comedy Theater

Ken Garr and Avery Pearson hosting at The Lab. There is definitely an energy in this room and it always feels like a privilege to perform here. Always a great mix of people in the crowd. Plus Ken and Avery are great- total professionals. There's two different mics and they're both great. You'll like being on that stage so much, it'll burn your ass if they don't draw your name, especially after 2 hours. TUE Sign up at 5:45pm or SUN Sign up at 9:30pm

BEST COMEDY CLUB OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    The Lab at The Improv

Open Mic Reviews     Comedy Store Potluck

The Comedy Store Potluck is on MON sign up at 6pm. Results are posted around 6:45 on the window. 3 minutes. I always think of it as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, "I GOT THE GOL-DEN TI-CKET!!!" It's always a long shot, but man it's pretty great when you strike it rich. Tough ass room with all that history. Nothing like it.

BEST OUTDOOR MIC

Comedian's Choice   Workout Room in Hollywood

Honorable Mention  Sunday BOMB Open Mic Brunch

Open Mic Reviews    Yardwork Mic

Honorable Mention  Meea's Hot Dogs

The Workout Room in Hollywood. Simon Gibson, Megan Rice, Jeff Sewing, Greg Edwards, Doug Dixon, and Leah Kayajanian host this great outdoor mic. Free beer, pizza, and a warm fire. Donate and help them keep it going, it's a supportive all-comic mic. 1243 N. Gower FRI Sign up at 7:30pm, starts at 8. Some 7 minute spots, then 3.

BEST HOST TO HANDLE HECKLERS

Comedian's Choice     Evan Cassidy

Honorable Mention     Erik Marino

Open Mic Reviews      Evan Cassidy

Honorable Mention    Vanessa Gritton

As a last minute addition, I found a great example of Evan working his magic at The Anchor Bar, courtesy of Duke Fightmaster!

BEST $5 MIC

Comedian's Choice     Marty's

Honorable Mention     Tao Comedy Studio

Open Mic Reviews      El Cid

Honorable Mention     Pig N' Whistle

El Cid on Sunset Blvd in Los Angeles. I just love the variety show feel with the list of performers posted backstage. It feels like I'm in the cast of The Muppet Show. Jugglers, musicians, magicians and comics. The room looks like a 16th century tavern. It's pretty damn fun for an open mic, I would try it!  MON Sign up at 7:30pm. $5 entry. 4 minutes.

Before the big winners, we have the final, highly coveted, JARED LEVIN AWARD!

BEST OVERALL OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    Anchor Bar, The Other Door, Comedy Store Potluck

Honorable Mention   Brix

Open Mic Reviews     Brix, Anchor Bar, Yardwork

Honorable Mention   Doll Hut

Brix in Sunset Beach. Love the audience of locals and tourists. It's right by the ocean and there's great food. Plus John is one of the nicest guys on the scene. It's a win-win. Join Sunset Beast/Brix Comedy on Facebook. WED Show starts at 8pm, open mic follows. 16635 Pacific Coast Highway, Sunset Beach

BEST OPEN MIC HOST

Comedian's Choice     Evan Cassidy (Anchor Bar), John Silver (Brix), Ryan Talmo(Liquid Zoo)

Honorable Mention    Vanessa Gritton and Kevin Anderson (The Other Door)

Open Mic Reviews      Brian Biancardi (Murder Room), Evan Cassidy (Anchor Bar)  The Martin Duprass (Sabor y Cultura)

Honorable Mention   Kristal "The Pistol" at The Short Stop. She hosted half of the mic, but she cranked it up to 11. Force to reckon with.

Brian Biancardi is a delightful human being. He really got the room fired up with chants of "MURD-DER" while flooding the room with multi-colored lights. It sounds stupid as I'm writing this, but you had to be there. One of the great all-comic open mics to go to. I'm just sorry I never came through for the setup outside- totally missed out. R.I.P. Murder Room.

OKAY, that's pretty much it, but I have one more guest contributor, Chad who was kind enough to take time out of his epic schedule to leave me a voicemail.

Thanks Bro. You can check out more Chad here.

Special shout out to Nolan at Dromebox Labs, which is also a fantastic mic that everyone should check out. Just a great creative atmosphere to be around.

Dromebox Labs puts out new content daily. Go to the open mic, get involved, guest on someone's show! Click the link I left above for more info, or join their Facebook page.

I know this post is long enough, but I'd like to include some of the generous responses I got from a handful of great comedians I reached out to. Here are some of their favorite mics:

Ali Macofsky- Sabor y Cultura, Anchor Bar, Grounded (R.I.P.)

Anne Flagg- The Hideaway Cafe, Cask & Hammer

Seth Woodward- T&L Pollo's, Max Bloom's, Arlyn Pillay Gallery

Charles Mockler- Meea's Hot Dogs, Tribal Cafe, Free Wifi at Union House

Meea's Hot Dogs in Eagle Rock keeps coming up, so here it is. It's one of the best open mics going now, so check it out!  TUES Sign up at 5:30pm. Starts at 6. 5 minutes. Hosted by Vince Caldera and Luis Lemus (pictured above)

Rachel Mac- The Good Nite, Chatterbox, Lyric Hyperion Theater SAT 3pm.

Chatterbox in Covina. It'll put my mind at ease to include this open mic. I get the sense that it's in the top 5, but it barely got any love in this post. I just haven't been around in awhile. THURS Starts at 8pm, so get your name in the hat- STAT!  5 minutes.

Jonathan Green- Marty's, Comedy Store Potluck, Big Wangs, The Next Stage, "Trapped With Comics" at The Lexington SUN Sign up at 5pm.

Chris Dunham- Anchor Bar, Robin Hood British Pub, Fourth Wall (favorite all-comic audience), Hooters (best crowd)

Spencer Kalendar- Pig N' Whistle, Cahuenga General Store (great food too) 

Courtney Banks- Sunday Bomb Open Mic Brunch at 1pm, TUES at the Improv, Solar de Cahuenga (most supportive) Lexington "Trapped w/ Comics"

Solar de Cahuenga in Hollywood. TUES Sign up at 7:30pm Starts at 8. Lottery mixed in with booked spots. 4 minutes. Hosted by Chris Sanders and Cooper Lee (pictured above)

Robbie Goodwin- Meltdown, Karma Lounge "Bunney Ranch" THURS 6:15pm (message Jacob Bunney in advance and add Bunney Ranch on Facebook)

Sami Sutker- Karma Lounge and "Let's Get Weird" at The Hollywood Hotel. THURS 7:30pm Lottery. 1-item min. 4 minutes. Hosted By Dave Cerwonka.

Mr. Goodnight- "I'd give Grandview Market Best Open Mic in a Grocery Store!"

Grandview Market in Mar Vista. I wish I got the angle with the actual store part of it, it's pretty funny that people are shopping. Solid mic though. 12210 Venice Blvd. WED sign up at 6:30pm, starts at 7. 4 minutes.

Sorry if your mic didn't get a mention. It doesn't mean it sucks, there are so many damn mics! There are a ton of mics that are run well, but maybe they don't necessarily stick out yet. I'm not putting out a worst-of-list. I think we know which ones suck. I'd rather not talk about those. Besides, someone else might like it, why dump on it?

Oh all right. Good riddance to THIS MIC!

Ali giving it her all at The Man Cave in Universal City. There were more than 40 televisions in this fucking place. Takes a real genius to think that this would make a great setting for an open mic. This is just one little corner of an obnoxious sports bar from hell. I'm so glad it got buried.

Big thanks to Jake Kroeger of The Comedy Bureau. Always on top of his shit every freakin day and providing us with the essential open mic/show guide. Drop him a donation!

Matt Cole for his awesome OC open mic list!

He runs the Cask & Hammer mic and it's another favorite- check that out too!

Openmikes.org, Badslava, and anyone who has ever told me about a random mic, or had nice things to say about "open mic reviews," it means a lot to know you're checking it out. If I was a better comedian, my reviews would really hold weight!

Shout out to all the awesome people that run open mics outside of California! 

Thank you for all your votes and indulging me on this, now back to actual work.

Thank you Jared Levin, Jeanne Whitney, and Tom Allen for your guest contributions!

To see all the results from the poll yourself, click here

You can read my open mic reviews for individual open mics here

Okay, it's almost 7am. I lost enough sleep over this.

It's the Good Nite mic in NOHO!  Wakka wakka!  MON sign up at 7pm. Lottery 3-5 minutes. All right, good night.