Open Mic Comedian Gary Has A Meltdown (Fiction) WARNING: PooPoo-Language.
Fuck this mic man, it’s for a bunch of pussies. I can’t believe I got kicked out for calling the owner a cunt, you can’t say anything anymore, it’s too PC! Fucking social justice warriors will probably write a blog about how they wish they could have this DEE-YICK!
Anyway, I’m going to Lexington later- they don’t give a fuck. I kicked a man in the stomach and did 20 minutes to his mom. He thanked me for it.
Dude...you should go to The Next Stage. It’s like, there’s no fucking judgement you know, everyone just gets naked and fucks and the lights are really pretty.
Marty’s man, you gotta do Marty’s people are REAL there, for reals. Where else can you do 30 minutes for a cockroach? Then you can go to the other room and do another 78 minutes to a couch occupied by the ghost of a dead comedian that hung himself. Dude...if you get your picture on the wall... no one will ever know, because two photos down, there’s a picture of a woman with her titties out, that’s all anyone sees anymore.
Dude, do the Oeno Vino man, they have a great selection of cheeses and a really good selection from the Cass Winery- I highly recommend comedy and the cheese bullshit.
Hey man, Flappers! Do the audition show. Bring people though. Kill yourself! High five.
How can you not do Delicious Vinyl man? Just fucking DEWWW IT MANNNNN. Fucking pink lights- fuggin...fuggin pink lights bro- WOOO WOOO, vinyl and shit in the title- punk rock and smell your farts out back! ALLL right!
Hey man. Comedy Store potluck. I’m loyal as fuck. I sign up every week on the dot. Got up 6 times in 17 years. It’s only a matter of time. You might want to hop on the train now because I’m going FULL SPEED AHEEEAAAAD. Chugga Chugga- WOO WOOOO! PINK LIGHTS BRO- CALL BACK! (roundhouse kick)
Meltdown Comics is the best open mic to hear people laugh in the sound booth-HANDS DOWN. They’re having such a great time back there! DO IT ASSHOLE! DON’T YOU LIKE COMICS? GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF THE NINJA TURTLE STATUE, IT’S DYING!
You gotta do Rockpaper Man. WHO CARES IF IT’S FUCKING CLOSED- TELL PEDESTRIANS TO SUCK YOUR DICK- IT’S THE SAME THING!
Hey...hey...if you want to really get serious about comedy? Laugh Factory man. Nobody waits a fucking week to perform at an open mic, but I do! I’m so funny man, I made that Burt Bernie guy laugh so hard and that guy has seen some shit! Jamie watched my set via FaceSkypeShowcase and I think I’m going to feature for the turd in the bathroom. Anyway, I’ll send you the link when I get the tickets- if you say my name at the door you get choke-slammed Cena style- CAN’T WAIT!
You got an agent? How did you get one man!? Let me meet him- I’ll suck his wang-wang. FUCK IT. I don’t need that shit, I got this comedy dick!
Hey...if you want to do heroin later, I’ll be at the Buttfuck Backyard Bucket Mic in Burbank.